Reevaluation

I'm not really a movie person, but after finishing all 5 seasons of Mad Men, my brain has needed a constant fix of entertainment so I've watched about a million movies to keep myself occupied. Most recently, I've seen "American History X," "10 Things I Hate About You," and "The Italian Job." It kind of bothers me that I need to immerse myself in fantasy like this, like I don't have a "real" life or something.

I've been stressed out by a couple of major things these days, but mostly I'm annoyed with myself. I wish I was more of a go-getter and I could just plunge into whatever I felt like. Worry about the consequences later. But I'm cautious to a fault, and I know someday I'm going to regret being this way.

On the other hand, I know that the moment I move out of my house, I'm going to completely let loose. Like those extremely sheltered girls who go off to an out-of-state college and black out every other night... except I don't have college as an excuse. I feel like I've stifled so many emotions these past couple months during the summer that as soon as I am truly free, I won't be able to stop myself.

I've literally been Googling things like: "am I spoiled?" "am I narcissistic?" "do I have anger problems?"

I feel like who I am right now is not who I really am. Everything annoys and frustrates me. I feel angry and short-tempered all the time. If a few years ago I was deeply depressed... it's like I have displaced all of that into rage and constant annoyance. But that still trickles down into the final emotion of guilt, which in turn, lends itself into depression and anxiety again. This is not who I am.

This is probably why I am currently so turned off by spanking and BDSM in general these days. I don't feel like submitting to anyone. If anyone wanted to dominate over me, it would take pure physical aggression, not words. Right now, I hear everything as people talking at me, scolding me, nagging me. I don't want to hear it, I really don't. All I want to do is rebel, but I don't have the energy to deal with my parents. All I want to do is do some criminal things, but I resist because someday I'll probably have to get security clearance for my job. All I want to do is get away from myself.

Protect me, rescue me

Season 4 of Mad Men has been so addicting, I can't help but watch 3 or 4 episodes at a time. It really is a character-driven show and I wonder why they all seem more real than the people I actually know.

My favorite episodes thus far have been "The Suitcase" and "The Beautiful Girls" because both showcase Don's fatherly side, his almost reluctant sense of authority and protection of the girls in his life.

I've posted about this before but my whole life, I feel like I've been looking for a father figure. I didn't grow up without a father, but it doesn't mean that he was ever really there for me emotionally. I've desired strict father-figures, the kind who would send you back inside to change because my skirt was too short, the kind who would threaten violence on me for talking back, for worrying him, for doing bad things, for skipping school, for neglecting my work, for breaking the rules. I've needed this person. I crave this person so badly that sometimes I don't even know if I even desire a human person, or if I want the inner core of a ghost, the essence of a caricature. It's not a sexual person, for sure. He sees me as a daughter, a small child needing protection and boundaries and rules.
Spanking falls into this fantasy, of course, but at the same time, it's something totally different.

Who, outside of family, would ever feel that fierce sense of protection towards me? Who would ever want to work that hard to protect me? Who would ever have these feelings about me without leaving me once it became too much to handle?

In many ways, I know this makes me incredibly selfish. I know it. I want all the attention, all the love and protection, completely unconditionally, and yet I don't know what I'd be able to do in return, if I'd even want to do anything in return. I've grown up with an extremely high level of attention from my mother. I didn't really realize this until recently, how self-centered I am. It's a symptom of bulimia. Anything can be romanticized if you make it.

And it never goes away. I've always desired this, always, and now as an adult, I see how it can't be like this because I will never get what I want. But still, I feel that twinge of jealousy when I see TV shows or movies that have that father-daughter theme... of women behaving badly and men who always have a nagging sense of responsibility and duty to protect.

Punishment therapy

I don't ever want to be the type of person who uses BDSM as therapy, although I know there are inherently therapeutic aspects in this pain-for-pleasure mentality.

But sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be beaten as punishment and as therapy.

I have a lot of self-loathing and guilt issues... will they ever go away?

When I went to T to be spanked for snapping at my mom, I felt dread because I knew it would hurt a lot, and yet I resolved to endure it because I knew it was deserved. And yet in the moment, I wanted desperately for the spanking to stop, for him to slow down, ease up. I almost couldn't take it, even though I wanted to.

The issues I feel most guilty about?

Not treating my mother well. Not helping her enough. Losing my temper with her. Feeling resentment towards my father. Not appreciating everything I have. Feeling irritable with my family. 

I feel like a horrible daughter sometimes. Not just that. For everything. And I want someone to beat the shit out of me for it. 

I can't even really tell what the real underlying reason is. I don't feel worthless like I'm suicidal. I feel worthless sometimes like I need to be punished and made to repent. And knowing what I know about myself, I know that spanking is just one way to deal with those feelings.

But at the same time, I know that spankings give me pleasure, so the purpose is defeated.

Times like these, I kneel and ask myself, or ask God, or ask the universe, how can I punish myself enough to feel good enough? To feel like I can be redeemed again?

Asking for punishment is a practice in indulgence. Punishment is something I crave so that I can feel better about myself. It doesn't change my previous behaviors or actions. In fact, it really doesn't change a thing.

Another intense punishment session? One where the spanker doesn't let up, and he doesn't give in, and I am spanked so hard I pass out? Will that do it? One where I am pushed so way beyond my boundaries in terms of pain that it doesn't bring me an ounce of sexual pleasure?

I've sexualized pain too much. And I've intellectualized it.

I used to cut myself for a variety of reasons, but mostly because of these self-loathing problems. When I was younger, I did it without thinking. As I got older and understood it more, I knew I was doing it because of the release of endorphins. I knew it. I knew it and I would do it in a highly methodical and premeditated way. Because I knew what the outcome would be. So even with the cutting, it was like a pleasurable punishment... and I hate that I know that.

So sometimes I think that the true way for me to feel punished is to be beaten into submission. Not just spanked. I mean, slapped and kicked and punched and yanked and thrown around. Bruised. Scratched. But even that... even THAT exhilarates me. Jesus Christ.

Brandon, Silas, and Don

The drive coming back from Chicago was strange. I couldn't sleep. I watched miles and miles of farmland pass by, and later, the endless blackness of the highway at night.
Family gatherings are always awkward, and this wasn't any different. For 14 hours, all I did was allow the small child in my brain scribble across the walls of my mind, jump, scream, throw tantrums, and finally, fall asleep in a heap in the corner. After she wore herself out, all I know for certain is that I don't want to end up in a marriage like my parents.
I can't even describe how I feel about my dad. He's unpredictable. My parents would argue in the car about the stupidest things, my dad getting extremely worked up over whatever they're talking about, completely berating my mother, and my mother, first trying to argue back, and then trying to get him to shut up. Either way, I wanted both of them to shut the FUCK up so we could drive in silence. We're a family but we aren't a family. I love them, but I absolutely hate them. That's "normal," I guess. Whatever it is, just shut the fuck up. I need to know myself outside the realm of this house. I need to get out.

I had "Drive" by Incubus playing on repeat on my iPod. I used to do this with songs a lot when I was younger... listen to a song during some period in my life SO damn much that I can't ever listen to them anymore without feeling a horrifyingly clear rush of emotions overwhelm me. This is the reason I can never listen to "Love Song" by 311 ever again. Same thing with "Hailie's Song" by Eminem, and "I Hate Everything About You" by Three Days Grace, the entirety of Christina Aguilera's Stripped album.... I can't list them all. There are just too many. I look it up on Google and I can't find anything like it. How I literally crawl out of my seat and almost start panicking if I hear those songs... because the emotions they arouse are too strong for me to handle. The beginning of "Drive" has that effect on me... but I really wanted to listen to it this week. I don't know why. And now I can't stop.
Side note: I've never liked Brandon Boyd because he just seemed like a pretty boy with a semi-decent voice, but while listening to "Make Yourself" album, I found myself saying things like, "He's so sensitive" and "These lyrics are so deep." LOL. My goodness. I must have been really bored. He's really not that great.

Then my friend tells me how Silas spanks someone in the new episode of "Weeds" this week. Wow. A few years ago, I remember falling in love with him, and fantasizing about him spanking me... At the core, I am a rescuer, and it made me want him even more, knowing how messed up he is.
When I fantasize like that, I'm not even sure it's really about the character... it's more about the idea of him. I wanted the idea of Silas Botwin to spank all his rage out, all that pent-up resentment for Nancy, just unleash on me. And somehow that would also give me release as well. And the spanko writers over at Showtime gave me just what I wanted.

And of course, during the drive I also continue to indulge my "Mad Men" obsession which, in combination with all the emotions involved in dealing with family, listening to Incubus, and feeling hot and bothered about Silas... I just feel a terrible sense of cynicism. About relationships. About trust and love. About intensity and expectation. I watch Don Draper act like the asshole he really is, and even though he's just a character on TV, I think to myself, begging, "Please stop cheating on her. Please make it work with Betty, please."

Now I just feel even more lost.

Relationships

I need to put my life on pause for a second and take a moment to figure some shit out.

Maybe this is just first world problems. I don't know. God knows all I have now is time... Time to oversleep, eat, blog, eat again, maybe work out (probably not), watch TV, go on Tumblr, eat, think about working out, watch TV, take a nap, eat, watch TV, go on Tumblr, and then sleep. That can't be right.

I have been losing sleep at night over all this spanking business as well. What was once an awesome fantasy in my mind has become real over the past couple months, but it doesn't live up to the hype my mind created for 20-some years. I had been fantasizing in 2 minute trailer length versions of what real spankings are like. You get spanked, there is the element of submission and domination, and you feel the sting on your ass for a few days after... but then what? Is it all just an elaborate act?

My tastes have expanded... I was never interested in the DD lifestyle, but now that's my ultimate goal because it's the closest, most intimate, most beautiful thing I can think of, as far as marriage or relationships go. But what the fuck do I really know about relationships?

I really don't know anything, and it's been confirmed by all this foolishness with J and C. In the most vulgar sense, I am completely cock-hungry. To put it in a nicer way, I crave intimacy and touch. Sex and spanking is on my mind all day. But what else do I want in a relationship?

The closest thing I can even compare it to is the relationship I have with my best friend. During summers we could spend all week with each other, doing absolutely nothing. Just talking and laughing all day until our jaws literally started hurting and we had to take a break. What do we even do? We just talk shit and joke and drink coffee and even takes naps in the middle, just so we can wake up and go eat and talk some more. And then we get pissed off for one reason or another and we fight and then later, get back together because we're bored, or we get over it. Is that considered homoerotic? We change in front of each other. I've seen her naked. We sleep in the same bed during sleepovers. Or is that just normal girl friendship behavior?

I figure that's what a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship is like, except with more sex and nudity. But I don't know how to be romantic and girlfriend-y. I can be someone's bottom bitch, but I don't know how to be very loveable. To hell with "just be yourself"... there are still some unspoken rules you have to follow to keep up with a relationship.

Beyond sex and spanking, I don't know what exactly I have to offer to a boyfriend. Yes, support, loyalty, maybe even humor... and what can they give me? Never enough. Because I'm very selfish and crave an immense amount of attention. I'm beginning to realize more and more that that's how I've been raised.

My Poor Swollen Bottom

So last night, T and I meet up and I am so nervous, I barely know what to do with myself. It's not the same nerves as last time, when I didn't know what to expect... if he was a nice guy, a creep, an asshole. But I KNOW he's nice... the nerves came from the fact that it was supposed to be a punishment spanking.

At first, he had me sit down next to him while he talked to me. I kept playing with my hair, brushing it, stroking it, just messing with it.

"Stop playing with your hair," he said. "Put your hands on your knees."

"I'm sorry. I'm just really nervous."

"I know you are. And you should be."

But my hands keep moving to my hair. It's a tic, and I laugh.

"Do you think this is funny?"

"No, it's not. No."

"No, what?"

That becomes a battle all night... the fact that I don't want to say Sir, and the fact that I genuinely forget to say it. 

The punishment is about my snapping at my mother, losing my temper, being in bad moods and taking it out on people.

T starts with a warm-up over the same black yoga pants I wore last time. It's not too bad, but he reminds me that we haven't even begun anything yet.

When he starts with the bamboo brush, he pulls down my pants and gets me on the sit spot and upper thighs repeatedly. I am squirming so badly that he has to pin me down with his leg, and it hasn't even been a few minutes. The sting is incredible, I guess because it's such a small compacted area. But that is absolutely nothing compared to the bathbrush on the bare.

I never cried during this spanking, but it was almost too much for me to take. My panic, the pain, the immobility... it was just so many sensations at once, but T was unrelenting. At some point I let go of all my pride and BEGGED for him to slow down (which he did not), even saying Sir, and all he did was tell me to put both of my hands behind my back. Then he held onto both wrists and I could not move, and he got in about 50 strokes of the bath brush before I actually stood straight up and begged him to stop.

"This is a punishment, do you understand?"

"Yes, Sir."

"It's not supposed to feel good. We're not testing your limits and your likes and dislikes, okay?"

"Yes, Sir."

"It's going to hurt a lot, and that's the point."

And for the last half of the punishment, I was to count 25 strokes, and loudly.

"One, sir. I will not snap at people again."

That, I think, was the worst part. Just the fact that I had the power to dictate the next swing, but still had to say that... I can't even describe the emotions that went along with it. And T was good... he wouldn't smack right after I said the line. He would sometimes linger for a few seconds, and I would have no idea when the swat would land. But sometimes he would smack immediately. It was terrifying. And all 25 strokes were hard, at maximum swing. (He says they weren't, but I don't believe him.) 

In the middle, I messed up my line a few times... I couldn't even breathe or speak straight. I was whimpering, and I forgot to say Sir, and I forgot the numbers. T said that he would repeat anytime I spoke too quietly or incorrectly. I believe it happened twice. And the second time, I yelled at him, completely losing my temper, and kicked him: "THAT IS SO NOT FAIR. THAT COUNTS!" Which I paid for at the end of the 25 strokes, with another 25 all in a row.

In the end, he had me sit on his leg and say that I would never act that way again, or it would be even worse. I can't even fathom how much worse it could be without my actual death occurring in the process. 

My bottom is totally swollen... with a huge bruise on my right sit spot. It's just the kind of sting I "wanted"... I'm wearing a short dress and my skin sticks to the leather seat I have at work, and I have to constantly readjust because it just hurts too much. But peeling my skin off the leather is a sting in itself. There is no escape from this pain. 

I'm trying to think. We met at 8:45 and left around 9:45. Which means I had been spanked straight for about an hour. Maybe about 10 minutes of rest. Goddamn. 

Unwanted Spanking

I've agreed to meet T tonight again for a punishment spanking. I did not want to. Not because I don't like or trust him, but just because I don't feel that sort of connection to him... especially after I've been talking to these other boys.

But I kind of like the fact that I'm not excited. Because there's a different sense of dread there... it's not like a "Oh my God, I'm going to be spanked! I'm so excited!" feeling. It's more like, "I really don't want to be punished tonight." Which seems more "real," especially since there is absolutely no sexual aspect to this dread at all.

I imagine it sort of like those spanking videos where the girls get spanked instead of going to jail. I'm getting this spanking whether I truly "want" it or not... and in this case, I really don't. But I'm going to get it because I agreed to meet him.

Maybe this time, I'll feel more repentant.

(But my God, I'm really scared of that bath brush, I really am.)

Relax

I'm so fucking restless. I have trouble eating because.... butterflies? Nerves? I don't know.

I love talking to J, and all I want to do is get a rise out of him, play with him, flirt with him, make him mad, make him laugh, make him get serious and toppy... I want to play hard to get, but I can't. Last night, I made a mistake. He was out with his friends and told me a drunk girl was trying to hit on him.
"Why don't you take her home," I said, jokingly. "Do you want to spank her?"
"Do you want me to? Is that what you want?"
"No, it's not. But I'm not going to be a cockblock."
"Fair enough."
And later in the night, I ask him if she's still around.
"Yeah."
"Go tap that ass," I say.
"Again, why are you telling me these things, if that's not what you want? It gives me the wrong signals."
"What signals," I ask.
"That you aren't interested."
Immediately, I feel sorry and anxious.
"I am, J. I really am, but I don't have control over what you do. And I don't have the right to say, don't talk to her, don't touch her."
"That's true, but if that's not what you really want, I don't want you to say it."
I apologize and for the rest of the night, I am anxious with him.
Even later in the night, I call him an asshole for something he says, as a joke, and he tells me to take it back. I refuse. He threatens me with various things, but I flat-out refuse to say sorry.
"Okay, well I'm done threatening you."
And that's it.
I freak out, I ask him if he's mad, are you sure, are you really mad at me, are you sure, I'm sorry, I really am.
And he's not even mad at me. It's just me, with all my anxiety and craziness...
"I thought you wanted to make me mad?" he asks.
And that's true... I've told him this before, that I want to make him actually angry. He's too easy-going, and I will break him of that.
"Yes, I do, but I don't know. Not like this."
He assures me he is fine.
We talk online and I try to be normal, but I'm actually about to cry because I feel like I'm too crazy for him, like I don't deserve to be talking to him.
I keep apologizing and tell him I want to be more submissive, I want to be good, but I'm sorry, I'm so anxious, and I don't know what to do, and I'm so sorry for being so bad tonight.
"Alright, listen to me," he says.
"Okay."
"I am going to tell you to do something, and you are going to do what I say."
"Okay."
I am almost in tears because I am expecting him to make me spank myself or do a version of cornertime that involves kneeling on the bed, that drives me absolutely crazy.
"What is it?" I ask.
"Don't ask. Just trust me. Are you going to listen to me?"
"Yes."
"You are going to relax," he says. And I take a deep breath.
"Why are you so nice?" I ask him.
"You weren't bad tonight, and I'm not mad at you. And this is okay, also. You being anxious tonight is okay."
He's read my mind. I was in the middle of typing that I was sorry about that.

I try not to expect too much from him... after all, you know never know what will happen. But I like him so much, and he knows the exact right thing to say, even better than I know myself. I chide him for being too nice of a top, but in times like these, I am so thankful that he is a genuinely nice person. I don't know what to do with myself, I'm just not used to that.

Girlfriend/boyfriend

I'm not sure that I will ever be a normal lover.
I know that I am submissive, I enjoy spankings, and someday I would like to do some pretty dirty things in the bedroom. But none of these things is all encompassing of a real and full relationship.

I can't stand intimacy like that with a male. I can be best friends with girls... all my best friends have always been girls. But I don't get along with guys. I don't fight with them. I just don't speak to them. I don't want to say that I'm afraid of them... it's more like I don't know what to say to them. Everyone tells me to just act like I act with girls, just talk about random stuff.

But I can't.

I don't like when guys flirt with me because it makes me feel disgusting. Not because they are acting disgusting or disrespectful... but I get a feeling in my stomach that just feels terrible.

This is why I like going clubbing. Because I can let loose and be a complete slut, and there are no repercussions or judgments for it, and no one has to fucking talk. Let's be honest, club dancing is just dry sex, dry humping, and you are just a faceless, sweaty body in the crowd.

But that has gotten me into trouble before. One of the last times I went to a club in college, I was totally drunk, totally wild. I started dancing with this guy because he offered me a drink. Why the hell not, I thought. It's Thursday night, no one gives a shit, let's just play and call it a night. I danced with him, grinded on him, I think I even gave him a lap dance, I unbuckled his belt, I did everything to make him believe that he had "scored." Then when the night was over, he started whispering in my ear about something. He wanted to go home with me. I just laughed and said, no, sorry, I gotta go home with my friends. I'm the driver tonight. I have to go home. I have class tomorrow. He was getting pissed, and that was making me anxious. He said he had to go pay his bar tab, will I wait for him? I said, umm yeah sure. But I didn't. I just wanted to leave, so I grabbed my girl friend's hand and we ran across the street to sober up. I really was the driver and I had drunk too much. The cold air would help, I thought. We hung out for about 30 minutes and then started walking to my car. And that guy was there. So fucking pissed. He started yelling at me through the passenger's side, across my poor sophomore friend who was terrified and had no idea what to do. I told him, I'm sorry you got that impression from me, but I need to go home. He was so incredibly mad, I was scared he'd hurt my friend or damage my car.

"Don't FUCKING do that that people. Don't dance for drinks like that and LEAVE. Let me just tell you that I know girls who have gotten HURT for that kind of shit. I know people who would FUCK you up for something like what you just did. Don't ever fucking pull that kind of shit again."

He kept repeating this. And all I could say was, We have to go, we have to go.

Eventually, I drove away, my friend and I both sitting in silence, the night completely ruined.

I slut-shamed my own self. Was that my fault? Was I not to supposed to accept his drink and dancing if I wasn't going to go home with him? Did I push too far? And then this boiled over to rage. Am I a fucking PROSTITUTE? Because we had a good time at the bar, I am OBLIGATED to suck your cock? Just because you have blue balls, I'm supposed to feel SORRY for you?

Maybe it was unclassy of me. Maybe that's not how it works downtown. But I felt such an extreme mixture of guilt, anger, and disgust that I just wondered how I was ever going to be a normal person.
How can I have all these highly "slutty" desires, and yet be such a prude? I'm a complete cocktease, and I lead people on. I can see why that guy would think I was going to fuck him. Because I basically fucked him on the dance floor. That was an extreme case, but this is not the first time that sort of thing has happened.

And even if I met a nice guy who didn't expect all those things of me, I don't want to do anything "romantic" either. I can't stand the thought of someone kissing my mouth, or hugging me, or caressing me. It literally makes my stomach turn over. They aren't disgusting acts, I know this. But it disgusts me anyway.

Spanking is different... it's harsher. It's not a light touch (or at least it shouldn't be). And the idea of a spanking does turn me on... but I still can't... put it together in the context of romance or sex. Will there ever be a guy who could deal with that? You can spank me, but don't put your hands on me anywhere else. Don't touch me in public. Don't kiss me. Don't hug me. Don't cuddle with me. Just. Don't. Touch. Me.

This post doesn't have any chronology or order to it... Even I don't understand how all these things fit together. But the (bare) bottom line is that I either need to seek more therapy, or prepare for a life surrounded by the warmth of cats.

Faceless

I actually hope that T will never find and read this blog.

I was talking to another Dom/spanker online, and he told me that yes, he has lots of experience. Years, in fact. But there have been many times that he felt used as a person, as a spanker, because of the way that spankees treat him. I didn't understand.
"Spanking isn't a one-sided street. There should be gratification for both the spanker and the spankee. And I don't mean sexually. But as you know, the spankee does top from the bottom. So if she sits there and dictates everything, and then you never see her again, talk to her again, except when she wants another spanking, what does that make me? I've had years of experience, but I'm no paid professional. If I was being paid for this, feeling used wouldn't be an issue."

In some ways, I do understand what he's saying because I know for a fact that I am one of those girls.

Of course, I do talk with T online and we chat about a variety of things, not just spanking-related. But the truth is that I don't even remember his face. I don't think that I care to know what he looks like. In the simplest terms, I AM using him. He's a married man, and I know that there is no long-term relationship to be had between us. It's not that I don't want a long-term relationship, but it's not realistic to expect it.

Spanking has been so much of a fantasy thing for me that I'm having trouble understanding it as a reality right now. I want to be well-spanked, but I don't care to be emotionally involved with anyone.

I told T I don't really like to be touched, and he said he did notice that. And besides the fact that I don't like being touched by anyone, I especially don't want to be hugged and cuddled by someone who just spanked me. Because it is a truly intimate thing, yes, but I don't feel intimate with that person.

Intensity

"Maybe you get turned on by anger. By fear."

I was talking this guy... a random, faceless, intelligent man, B, who also happens to be a Dom in his bedroom romps. I had written to him about how I will always want what I can never have, and he told me, in S&M, D/s, and DD relationships, many things are possible, as long as you find the right person. 

"But I want someone to be violent with me, really take their temper out on me. Spank me. Slap me even. Grab me and really, truly make me regret."

"Why is that so far-fetched?"

"Because sex is not a part of this. I am not turned on by this. I don't want someone to rough house with me and then force me to suck his cock because that's hot for both of us. That's not what I want."

"There can be someone like that for you. It's harder to find, and you must be very careful about that sort of play, but he's out there."

"But it can't be like play. He cannot, under any circumstances, weaken because I cry or beg him to stop. He can't end the spanking with a hug. He can't ask me if I'm okay. He can't be a nice guy."

"That's possible. As long as you have a safeword, you can--"

"No, I don't want a safeword. I want it to be as nonconsensual as consensual can possibly be."

By the end of the conversation, it boiled down to: 1. You are not crazy, 2. This must be regulated very carefully.

He thinks I'm interesting. But still no answers.

I've never considered myself a pain freak, like many submissive girls do. I don't get tattoos and get high off the exhilaration of that sort of pain. I'm not into the hardcore bondage and slavery and domination aspect of S&M. 

We get into highly provocative conversations about philosophy and psychology, and much of it revolves around me.

"I'm sorry I'm so damn self-absorbed. I'm sorry I'm so difficult."

"You have to stop apologizing about everything. I don't think you're self-absorbed or difficult. Why do you think so?"

"I don't like to impose myself on others. I want to please them. I don't like when people are mad or annoyed with me."

"But in your fantasies, a lot of this harsh spanking stuff is motivated by anger... their anger placed upon you. No sex involved."

"Yes, it is. I don't like when people are mad at me because there is nothing I know how to do to remedy that situation. I'll just shut down, freeze up. Disassociate. But if they can take it out on me somehow, FORCE me to be repentant, then it's okay. Physical violence is confrontational, it's direct, usually instant, and painful. I'd rather have that."

"So maybe you are turned on by that thrill. Maybe not sexually. But you are turned on by anger. And your own fear."

Jackpot.

But that just proves how selfish I am. B says that he could possibly and hypothetically partake in this if one or both of his conditions were met: a) that we use a safeword and discuss it afterward, or b) we engage in something sexual so that he knew I was deriving some pleasure from it. I said no to both. 

"I wouldn't feel comfortable hurting another person like that if we couldn't break out of character at the end... I can be pretty sadistic, but not if I can't tell it's consensual and pleasurable, at least somewhat, for both of us."

"I wouldn't want you to break out of character."

"We wouldn't have to cuddle or anything like that, I would just need to know that you are okay."

"No."

It has to be with someone I trust and maybe even love... but he would have to be harsh and violent and cold. But not leave me either. 

Maybe someday when I am more open to sex, I can try a D/s or DD relationship... but I just can't right now. And that is frustrating as hell. 

But this isn't for real

So he cracked the side of my wooden hairbrush (which he said he knew would happen)... my ass is completely bruised. Swollen, I guess you can say. I can't really sit down. That's the point. I know.

T is a nice guy. Besides being a good spanker, I can also imagine being friends with him normal, vanilla situations as well. I like that he is not going to hit on me, not going to make any moves on me... I like that he has a sense of humor.

The spanking was also good. I mean, for a first spanking ever, I think that's about as good as it's going to get. Not too brutal, but definitely not soft.

But now it's the day after, and I'm wondering... is this really what I want?

I don't have any qualms about the fact that I met him from online. That was a really good thing, actually, since we were able to treat each other like friends first, not like a discipline service. (Which happens more often than not, I'm noticing.)

But I don't really feel punished. It wasn't supposed to be a punishment, anyway, but in my mind, a spanking is a punishment. I want to feel this stinging, swollen ass of mine and think to myself, "Ouch, well, I deserved that. That's what I get." But I don't really think that at all.

Maybe because the reasons he spanked me weren't really legitimate reasons to me? I get that he wants me to say yes, sir and things like that, and I should be doing what he tells me to do. But I don't feel a horrible sense of regret for not saying yes, sir, or even for telling him to "move your fucking leg!" somewhere in the middle of that spanking. I don't feel like I've learned a lesson about something important.

We were joking with each other during all the breaks we took. T was very good in that way, trying to make me relax and feel more comfortable with him... but that makes it less serious.

This is real life. No one is going to say to you, "Hey, you need to watch your mouth or I swear I'll put you over my knee," and then actually do it. The spanking itself will always be (or should always be) consensual on some level. But I have a desire for it to be non-consensual, totally serious, totally harsh, and make me totally remorseful. Maybe I have to turn to the discipline service type people for that.

I want him to have a legitimate reason to be spanking me, and then spank me hard, make me really cry, and then say, "okay, get up. I hope you've learned your lesson, and every time you sit down, I hope you remember it," and then be gone. No jokes, no laughing, no "are you okay?"

It will never be really REAL for me, I feel like, because spanking is something I enjoy. I mean, not in the moment, but it's not something I fear completely, like a non-spanko would. That annoys the hell out of me.

The First Spanking

So yesterday was the big day. And it was pretty good. This is what my ass looks like, approximately:

Recap of the spanking:

I'm sitting next to him and he knows I have a problem saying "sir."

"Are you ready for this now?"
"Yeah," I say.
"What did you say?"
"I said, I'm ready."
"I told you how you are to respond to me, didn't I?"
"Yeah."

And then somehow I'm over his legs. And I'm nervous. I try to control his every move.
"Wait."
"Remember this is my first spanking ever."
"Slow down!"
"Don't do that!"
"That hurts!"
"Take a break!"
"Is that your hand or the hairbrush??"
"Take a FUCKING BREAK!"

He starts off slow, but with firm swats over think yoga pants. He makes me say, "yes, sir," but I'm still not comfortable about it. It's only been a few minutes and I'm already kicking and squirming.
Eventually he does take a break and lets me up.

"How was that? Was that too hard?" he asks me.
We have been laughing and joking since the moment we first met, and I say, "That's what she said."

Again, we play the game of his "Respond to me appropriately" and my "Fine." He takes me over his lap again and swings the hairbrush.
"THAT is the hairbrush."
It stings so much more than his hand... his hand has a sort of sting plus a dull thud. The hairbrush is pure sting. And he keeps swinging and swatting my ass. He likes to concentrate most of his energy right at the center of my sit spot, and by the middle of it, I am really  kicking and making noises I have never made in my life.

After about what seemed about 10 minutes of that, he lets me up again and I sit next to him. Except I can't really sit so I put my legs up, my ass off the chair, arms under my knees.
"You doing okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. It just hurts to sit."
"Then I'm doing something right."

I'm hurting, but it's that bruising hurt that I don't particularly like... I tell him that I think I can handle pants down, but he better keep my panties up.
"You are such a spanko," he says, and forces me over his lap again.
"Wait-- already??"

I don't remember what happened then... what exactly I said or did to make him want to go as hard as he did, but I said or did something pretty bad. He starts spanking with the hairbrush over my pants and then suddenly, without warning, they're down and I feel bared. Even though my panties are still on, they are the type that only cover half the ass anyway.

T starts raining swats on my sit spot too quickly for me to count. I am kicking too much and he pins me under his thigh. I am begging him to slow down, please, please slow down. But he won't. He keeps swinging a huge amount of force into each stroke of the hairbrush, right at the same places. My damn sit spot.
I told him I wouldn't cry, and it's true that I didn't outright cry and bawl and breakdown, but tears had formed in the corner of my eyes from the pain of that particular spanking. I wanted him to stop so badly but he wouldn't... I keep saying, "stop, please stop, I don't think I can... this is too much... please slow down...stop!"

"You are such a control freak," he says to me. "Don't try to tell me what to do, because it's only going to make it worse. Do you understand me?"
I hate when he asks that and I mumble something.
He spanks me again, way too hard, and this time I scream, "YES SIR!"

We take another quick break.
"Do you know how many that was?"
"No, how many?"
"That was 100 strokes!"
"No fucking way..."
"You're doing very well. You're taking it a lot better than you said you thought you would."
"Well... I guess so."
"And saying sir isn't so bad now, is it?"
"I don't like saying it."
"I know that. That's why I'm going to make you say it. Do you understand?"
Ughhhhhh. I make a face.
T grabs me hard and says, "Look at me right in the face and say it."
"I don't want to. Please don't make me!"
But of course he does.

And one last time, I'm over his knee... and I'm pretty scared now. The sting level is high, and I'm not sure if I can take it. I am flipped over his lap and I keep my hand over my ass.
"Hold on. Give me a second, okay?"
"No," T says. "For these last 10, you're going to count them, okay? And say 'thank you, sir' after each one. Do you understand?"
"Fine," I say, and he lands a huge one right in the center of my ass.
"Yes, sir," I acquiesce.

We probably end up doing 20 or 25 instead of 10 because I don't say "thank you, sir" loudly or clearly enough for him to hear. I am completely exhausted and squirming at this point, completely sorry. It just hurts so much and I want it to end. The stinging penetrates me through the skin, and my ass feels totally blistered, as they say. He rubs me a little bit.

"I know you said rubbing seems sexual, but I really think you need it right now," he says.
"I agree. Thank you."

Finally, he lets me up and we talk for a little bit. He compliments me on my ass, makes me laugh, and tells me I'm doing very well.
It's turning dark outside and suddenly I feel really sleepy, like I could just fall right asleep, right there. He says that's normal, and I'll sleep like a baby tonight.

We hug and part ways.

Good Girl, Bad Girl

He says he's 6'2" which is much larger than my 5'6." I told him I needed him to be firm with me. Don't let me fuck around with you because I will do it because I can and always have. I know it's my first time... but I'm a bad girl at heart. It's always good-girl-bad-girl.

Anyone from the outside would see that I'm one of the "good" ones. Never got into trouble at school. Went to a good college. Got good grades. The worst thing I've done is steal (high school), smoke some weed (occasionally, but now I can't do it), and drink underage (college.) But that's not really anything. I am polite, to a fault. I don't have grotesque piercings or tattoos. I don't wear obscene clothing. I'm not promiscuous.
I am wide-eyed. I smirk. I stay quiet. I don't do bad things.

But maybe that's all suppression of the badness inside. I don't mean bad like, "I'm a terrible person, I am worthless." I mean bad like... naughty. Spoiled. Stuck-up.

I want to push someone and push them hard. Push all their damn buttons and piss them off. But I am terrified of that anger. I hate making people mad... when I see a flicker of annoyance in anyone's face, I back the fuck off. I don't push. But I want to. I want to push them, act bratty, talk back, give the middle finger, say "fuck you." And I want them not to get angry or angry at me, but grab me by my arm and say, "I don't know where you've learned to act that way, but you're not getting away with that with me," and give me hard lesson on the seat of pants. True anger? I can't deal with that. Anger and then a spanking to teach me repentance? Yes, that's what I want.

Maybe it's almost abusive.
If I wasn't a spanko, I would be pushing all my boyfriends this way. I would push them until they hit me, and then maybe I would feel satisfaction in some way.
But because I'm a spanko, it's safer. But still not perfect.
I want to piss someone off so badly that they take all their anger out on my ass. I want to whine and sass and swear. I WANT HIM TO BE MAD.

But after he spanks me, after he has made sure that I won't do it again and that I regret doing it the first time, I want him to be satisfied. I want to say sorry, and I want him to feel sorry that he hurt me.

It's so much to ask for.

I've had these desires ever since I could remember.
When I first started watching "Law & Order: SVU" (maybe age 11 or so?) I'm pretty sure Detective Stabler was one of my first non-sexual spanking fantasies. He was aggressive and passionate and dominant and unafraid to be forceful, but also so caring and protective of his friends and family. I wanted someone like that in my life... still do. Someone I could run to when I made mistakes and be told that he was there for me, unconditionally. Someone I needed to hide my bad behavior from, and if caught, face the consequences, which was undoubtedly a spanking. And even if it wasn't an actual spanking, I wanted someone like him to grab me hard when I talked back to him and threaten to spank me. It was never sexual. It wasn't about wanting to seduce him with the prettiness of a reddened bottom... it was just about being spanked and forgiven and cared about.

But that's not a real person, at least no one that I've ever met. It's just not realistic. Maybe a boyfriend... but that's still not the same as a father figure.

First time

I'm going to be spanked soon. Yay!
Anyone who isn't a spanko will probably never understand the joy in that sentence lol.
I'm going to meet T next Monday, and he'll give me a preview of what to expect sometime in the future.
I've never experienced it before... I've never been spanked. I'm such a virgin. I know it will be painful, but I'm so excited for that pain that I question my sanity sometimes lol.

Control

Don't think that I can ever get over the control aspect of a spanking... the fact that I am physically weaker than the person who is causing me pain, and I can't do anything about it. It's a maddening concept, one that scares and excites me...

Freak

I feel like I will never find the man of my dreams.

Besides being kind and respectful and all that, he must also have spanko tendencies, a dirty side, a dirty mouth, a firm hand, control without being abusive... all of these extremely picky things regarding bedroom romping, and who can be this perfect person?

Ideally, I don't want him to be so dominant and serious and dark during the day time. I want someone I can play with and laugh with and be silly with. But if he can't turn around and be in control during a spanking, can't discipline me, can't be "abusive" in bed, I can't be attracted. Not all the way.

And I'm such a bitch because I don't ever want my boyfriend to ask me, "Are you okay? Is doing this okay?" but at the same time, if he doesn't ask and he does something I don't like, then I'll feel disrespected.

I know that I've grown up being treated like a princess. I am sensitive and temperamental and I've got my head up in the clouds and I'm girlish and immature and finicky and if I can't get it my way, I sulk and panic and lock myself away in the tower that is my perfectly furnished bedroom. I'm so undateable.
But I'm also extremely loyal and compassionate and playful. Won't that be enough? It's been 22 years of this and if it hasn't changed now, it won't be changing anytime soon.

A friend once told me that I reminded her of Katherine Heigl. I can see it. Sometimes I'm uptight like her character in "Knocked Up." I like to think I have a much better sense of humor than she does, but regardless... I'm much more of freak inside my own mind than I am, AT ALL, on the outside.

Sometimes, I wish I was as openly "freaky" as Sasha Grey is, and be confident that sexuality is beautiful in all its forms. This is what I believe. But that's not what I portray to others, and it's sad how limiting that is.

Best parts of a spanking

- Unintentionally whipping your hand back (as if that's going to do anything) and having him pin your arm

- Kicking up one leg (as if that's going to do anything)

- Saying "I'm sorry" (as if that's going to do anything)

- Having him spank the back of your thighs unexpectedly because you say or do the wrong thing during a spanking

- Having him hold the side of your hips while he talks or takes a (quick) rest

- Negotiating and begging

- That feeling of knowing you are overpowered and you aren't in control of the pain and allowing it to happen

- The pain, the heat, the sting

Korean Spanking Videos

I believe these are the first Korean videos I have ever seen:

http://www.spankingtube.com/video/8515/asian-girl-hard-punishment
http://www.spankingtube.com/video/8517/asian-girl-calves-and-thighs-caning

Obviously, the leg/thigh spanking concept is an Asian thing... it's the historical corporal punishment choice in school settings, at home... the second video barely seems like a sexual thing. I actually wonder if it's a real punishment video of a child. But it's probably not.

The first one is unique in that it's 2 Korean women engaging together. Two very big taboos in Asian culture (possible homosexual preferences and S&M). It fascinates me, especially since the top says, "I'm going to give you a couple more so just bear it," and "You have 3 more, just bear it," almost like she's giving her a root canal or something, not a punishment.

Korean

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