Friday, May 18, 2012

Good Girl, Bad Girl

He says he's 6'2" which is much larger than my 5'6." I told him I needed him to be firm with me. Don't let me fuck around with you because I will do it because I can and always have. I know it's my first time... but I'm a bad girl at heart. It's always good-girl-bad-girl.

Anyone from the outside would see that I'm one of the "good" ones. Never got into trouble at school. Went to a good college. Got good grades. The worst thing I've done is steal (high school), smoke some weed (occasionally, but now I can't do it), and drink underage (college.) But that's not really anything. I am polite, to a fault. I don't have grotesque piercings or tattoos. I don't wear obscene clothing. I'm not promiscuous.
I am wide-eyed. I smirk. I stay quiet. I don't do bad things.

But maybe that's all suppression of the badness inside. I don't mean bad like, "I'm a terrible person, I am worthless." I mean bad like... naughty. Spoiled. Stuck-up.

I want to push someone and push them hard. Push all their damn buttons and piss them off. But I am terrified of that anger. I hate making people mad... when I see a flicker of annoyance in anyone's face, I back the fuck off. I don't push. But I want to. I want to push them, act bratty, talk back, give the middle finger, say "fuck you." And I want them not to get angry or angry at me, but grab me by my arm and say, "I don't know where you've learned to act that way, but you're not getting away with that with me," and give me hard lesson on the seat of pants. True anger? I can't deal with that. Anger and then a spanking to teach me repentance? Yes, that's what I want.

Maybe it's almost abusive.
If I wasn't a spanko, I would be pushing all my boyfriends this way. I would push them until they hit me, and then maybe I would feel satisfaction in some way.
But because I'm a spanko, it's safer. But still not perfect.
I want to piss someone off so badly that they take all their anger out on my ass. I want to whine and sass and swear. I WANT HIM TO BE MAD.

But after he spanks me, after he has made sure that I won't do it again and that I regret doing it the first time, I want him to be satisfied. I want to say sorry, and I want him to feel sorry that he hurt me.

It's so much to ask for.

I've had these desires ever since I could remember.
When I first started watching "Law & Order: SVU" (maybe age 11 or so?) I'm pretty sure Detective Stabler was one of my first non-sexual spanking fantasies. He was aggressive and passionate and dominant and unafraid to be forceful, but also so caring and protective of his friends and family. I wanted someone like that in my life... still do. Someone I could run to when I made mistakes and be told that he was there for me, unconditionally. Someone I needed to hide my bad behavior from, and if caught, face the consequences, which was undoubtedly a spanking. And even if it wasn't an actual spanking, I wanted someone like him to grab me hard when I talked back to him and threaten to spank me. It was never sexual. It wasn't about wanting to seduce him with the prettiness of a reddened bottom... it was just about being spanked and forgiven and cared about.

But that's not a real person, at least no one that I've ever met. It's just not realistic. Maybe a boyfriend... but that's still not the same as a father figure.


  1. Cherry! Fantastic post. I like how you're raising questions I also feel...i don't think either of us know the answers. So excited for your first spanking!

    1. Thanks Bonnie-jo! I know... the big day is tomorrow and I'm so nervous but also so excited! I can't believe it's really going to happen for me :)

    2. I feel like you are reading my mind. And I have actually been very lucky when it comes to getting spanked by angry men. My first experience was when I was 17 and I was cursing at my then boyfriend. At first he stayed quiet and so I kept on with my rant. Before I knew it, I was being pushed onto the bed and turned over and I felt about 5 hard slaps on my behind. It hurt so bad and I was so shocked so I turned around and said "you fucking bastard!" so he turned me over again and gave me 5 more smacks and then stopped. My behind was on fire, I was actually scared. I did not talk back again or actually say anything. I lay there with my sore behind and cried! Something I had longed for him to do had actually came true and it hurt and I cried.. it was exactly what I had wanted but I wanted to leave it at that, I didn't want more.

      Besides that experience, I had been given random slaps on my behind from boyfriends for being mouthy or whatever. My second memorable spanking came from the man who is now my husband. It was just a few months ago before we got married and he was questioning me about a male friend. He became so enraged and jealous by the things that I was saying, that before I knew it, I was being pulled over his lap and spanked till I screamed for him to stop. He was relentless, my behind was stinging so badly. He got up, put me on the bed, started to take his belt off but then stopped. I guess he felt badly and stopped himself from spanking me with his belt. He did not apologize for spanking me. He left me there on the bed, my behind was just on fire... which I probably deserved. It was not sexual at all... He bought me a nice ring a few weeks later and asked me to marry him. He hasn't spanked me again since then but he has threatened to once.