Non-spanking related post:
True story: I fucking hate my job.
It literally makes my skin crawl. There is a bell on the door that goes: ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-dong.... every. Fucking. Time. That bell is entirely too long. Are we fucking deaf? We don't need a song to let us know that some idiot has to go for a cigarette break for the 4th time in one meeting.
The paralegal. She has a short fucking temper, she sighs constantly, she gets pissed off easily. She tries to teach me things and gets mad when I don't get it the first time, then assures me to come ask her anything if I don't understand. Yeah, I'm sure I will go to you for questions when you sigh and roll your eyes like that.
This isn't what I want. I took this job because I thought it would be better than nothing. Seriously, that is the only reason. And it was a bad one. It would have been better for me to take this time to wallow and sleep at home than to be here every morning, wanting to kill myself because I hate being here.
And it's a terrible situation. They only have one other paralegal besides myself. She has worked here for years and knows everything, and since I've only been working for a month, she basically has to handle all the cases herself, while teaching me at the same time. There is no secretary. No one else. That means the lawyers are all relying on her, and expecting me to catch up very quickly to take on the caseload. That isn't fair for her or for me. And it's a huge risk to take, especially since it's possible that I could drop out. Which I want to do. So now I feel immense guilt for it, for wanting to leave.
I think when things like this happen... things get stressful, out of control, and messy, that's when my fantasies turn more violent. Never against other people. But for myself.
I don't know how to get out of this. Being spanked is one thing, but it's not going to fix my real-world problems.