I'm on a writing streak, and I must get it all out.
T was trying to be very gentle with me, when not spanking. He wanted to hold my hand, calm me down, rub my back when I was catching my breath. He gave me a hug a couple times.
I have never been one for affection, never liked being touched. And I still don't like it.
I don't blame him for wanting to be gentle... that's probably a very nice thing to do. But I rarely like being touched, let alone touched nicely like that, and I never want to say, "Don't touch me," because that just seems very rude and inappropriate and awkward-making.
Whenever someone does it, it's not that they're doing it wrong, or making me feel violated. It's not like that at all. It's just that I hate being touched period. I guess growing up never having been hugged or touched will contribute to that, but I don't want to think that's all the reason for it.
I want to be brutalized, not caressed. I'm not talking about being spanked hard. I mean, grabbed hard, bruised, slapped, controlled, yanked. I won't apologize for these desires, because I've felt guilt and disgust over them for the past 22 years and I'm going to stop that. It's a fantasy, but it's also something I truly want. I don't want a man being gentle and kind with me. I want him to be cruel and unrelenting. Spanking is a part of it, certainly, but that's not all.
This doesn't apply to T. He doesn't know me that well, and probably wouldn't feel okay with treating me quite so harshly anyway. But it's what I need.
How can I explain this? I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I want someone to beat the shit out of me? Is that what that is? It's not even a sexual thing. It's a thrill thing.
Sometimes I see the videos on kink.com or brazzers and they are pretty hot, but they are porn sites, so of course they involve sex... but I'm so not ready for that level of intimacy yet. So what it boils down to is: I'm not ready to have sex or do sexual things, but I do want you to hurt me. Rough sex without the sex. So it's just a roughing up. For the love of God, I just want someone to beat me up?
That can't be right.