Freak

I feel like I will never find the man of my dreams.

Besides being kind and respectful and all that, he must also have spanko tendencies, a dirty side, a dirty mouth, a firm hand, control without being abusive... all of these extremely picky things regarding bedroom romping, and who can be this perfect person?

Ideally, I don't want him to be so dominant and serious and dark during the day time. I want someone I can play with and laugh with and be silly with. But if he can't turn around and be in control during a spanking, can't discipline me, can't be "abusive" in bed, I can't be attracted. Not all the way.

And I'm such a bitch because I don't ever want my boyfriend to ask me, "Are you okay? Is doing this okay?" but at the same time, if he doesn't ask and he does something I don't like, then I'll feel disrespected.

I know that I've grown up being treated like a princess. I am sensitive and temperamental and I've got my head up in the clouds and I'm girlish and immature and finicky and if I can't get it my way, I sulk and panic and lock myself away in the tower that is my perfectly furnished bedroom. I'm so undateable.
But I'm also extremely loyal and compassionate and playful. Won't that be enough? It's been 22 years of this and if it hasn't changed now, it won't be changing anytime soon.

A friend once told me that I reminded her of Katherine Heigl. I can see it. Sometimes I'm uptight like her character in "Knocked Up." I like to think I have a much better sense of humor than she does, but regardless... I'm much more of freak inside my own mind than I am, AT ALL, on the outside.

Sometimes, I wish I was as openly "freaky" as Sasha Grey is, and be confident that sexuality is beautiful in all its forms. This is what I believe. But that's not what I portray to others, and it's sad how limiting that is.