Sasha Grey part deux: Koreans, filth, and restraint(s)

The difference between myself and people like Sasha Grey is that I am not a go-getter, and I choose to believe that a quiet life is what is right for me. Blame it on the anxiety, on the upbringing, the cultural expectations, whatever. 


The reason you don't see real Korean people in mainstream American porn is not because they aren't just as fucked as the rest of the world, but because Koreans have a deeply rooted sense of fear and a massive inferiority complex, regardless of whether they were born in the US or not. Any porn sites that advertise "Korean" girls are more than likely to have just picked up a random Asian country and labeled the girl with slanted eyes as being such, just because it sounds exotic.

This is not to say that Chinese or Japanese people don't have the similar Confucian beliefs and cultural hang-ups as the Koreans do... but it's just different.

I don't want to be a porno girl. I used to, because I thought that I could handle it, but I know that's wholly untrue. I simply don't have the personality for it. Sasha Grey might have been slightly introverted as a kid, but she has an inner drive and fearlessness that I don't.

In my wildest fantasies, though, I can be like her. If I had that go-getter mentality, I would break into the porn industry and make a huge name for myself. And honestly, being Korean would be a major push for me. It would be the most shameful thing... this college-educated, middle-class, pale-skinned, young Korean girl getting smashed and violated like a stankass ho. That actually turns me on. The fact that Koreans would be so shocked and disgusted by it, but at the same time, be my biggest audience. Those filthy sons of bitches.

Who wouldn't want to see this tapped to bits? I would.

But I can't. Because I'm not tough enough. And also, my parents would just die. Korean girls have an undercurrent of fear and shame running through them.That's why the "worst" they can do is date a black guy... but that's not really just a Korean thing, I guess.

This wasn't all about me spewing vitriol about the Korean plight. There was a point here.

Even taking that mentality out of porn and into the "real" world, why can't I be just as ambitious and strong-willed in another field? I might not be fearless, but I certainly have a lot of pent up energy. Or at least, I used to. I should be able to channel that elsewhere... but I'm stuck.

I think that a quiet life is the way I'm supposed to go, but I'm not a quiet person, not on the inside. Words to describe who I am really? Restrained. Coiled. Stifled. By my own self, not by culture, or parents, or other forces.

And why? I really don't know. I don't know how to plunge. I don't know how to prove people wrong, when I've been acting "right" the whole time.

Sasha Grey

"The term fuck defines an abrasive way of having sex; it pulverizes the idea of making love. I don’t want to make love––I want to fuck. I fiend for intense sex that I can share with one, one hundred, one thousand, or even a million people. I hunger to explore my own sexuality, finding sicker ways to get off psychologically and physically."

"Watch a lot of porn and read a lot of interviews. Understand that it’s a business, and that if she isn’t tough and if she doesn’t have her shit together she shouldn’t even think about doing porn. It will chew you up and spit you out if you don’t know what the real deal is. Other people making money off of your pussy and asshole. Also, you’re not a rock star, so don’t think you can live like one. You’re a piece of meat. If you can handle that and want to enter in this experiment called porno, then welcome to the thunderdome."

"I’m a performance artist and an explorer, so for me there is nothing else but to be intense. Intensity is my alarm call to the nightmare and slow monotony others call 'real' life."

"It was also a way for me to encourage other people not to be ashamed of their sexuality. Growing up I was at conflict with who I was sexually. I always thought there must be something seriously fucked up with me. I would have a dream or fantasy and if I told my girlfriends about it, they would tell me 'That’s fucking weird. You’re weird.' I felt so guilty. When I finally started having sex and read more literature about human sexuality, I realized 'What were these hang-ups? Why did I have these?' For me, doing it and being outspoken about it was a way to tell people 'You don’t need to feel guilty.' I wish I had someone to tell me that when I was a teenager. We’re all different, we all have different tastes. You don’t have to fit this mold of what society teaches us we have to be."

"I wanna be a wrecker of civilization. [Laughs.] No, really I just want to work my ass off and stay humble and continue to prove people wrong."

-Sasha Grey

Girls Who Should Have Done More Spanking Scenes

Stoya 

Stoya, you are so beautiful. I just want to touch you and then die.

Sasha Grey

That ass.

Tanner Mayes

Kind of too skinny, but she definitely has some temper issues.

20 Things About Me

This idea is taken from the lovely Bonnie-Jo, and motivated by my utter boredom at work:

1. I have an obsession with my hair... I crave shiny, healthy, perfect hair. I deep condition it. I put oils in it. I wash it rarely. It's very vain and high-maintenance, but I can't stop, especially since it's damaged right now. It makes me sick!
2. From elementary school until college, I have aspired to be the following things: professional ice-skater, writer, lawyer, model, actress, psychologist, nurse, porn star, criminal profiler, social worker, legal assistant, and housewife.
3. My favorite TV shows, not including childhood ones: "Weeds," "Dexter," "Law & Order: SVU," "Criminal Minds," "NCIS," and "Community."
4. That being said, I get extremely obsessed with characters and story lines in TV shows so I don't really like starting new series because that means I will invest way too much time in learning and obsessing over these new people.
5. My favorite fruits are apples, Fuji and Red Delicious, and peaches. I don't like most tropical fruits (like pineapple, mango), I don't like any type of melon. Berries are okay.
6. I get hot and bothered by anything related to crime and handsome men. Things like action or heist movies drive me crazy. And if anyone is wearing a suit during all this, oh my God.
7. Sasha Grey is my ultimate muse and inspiration. I think she is a wonderful human being.
8. I cannot go a single day without coffee. It's getting pretty bad.
9. I started smoking weed at around age 21, and I wish that I had started sooner.
10. I'm a total Pisces, and an INFJ. I think.
11. I love to laugh. I find a lot of things funny. My comedy preferences are far and wide, from Steve Carrell to Dave Chappelle.
12. I have seen every episode of Jackass and Viva La Bam, and have seen all the Jackass movies. I took it personally when Ryan Dunn died.
13. The school girl fantasy is my favorite, followed by the escort one
14. I have watched the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show on TV every year since I was 12 years old.
15. My favorite color is lavender.
16. I used to be able to rap all of "Look At Me Now" by Chris Brown, et al. It was my goal last summer to memorize it. I don't know if I still can do Busta Rhymes's part, but I can definitely do Lil Wayne and CB's. I don't know if this embarrassing or amazing.
17. Speaking of embarrassing, embarrassing celebrity crush: Rob Kardashian. Actually, I'm not ashamed.
18. I think Goyte sounds exactly like like Sting, but I like Sting better.
19. Sting can come spank me anytime
20. And speaking of Sting, I've watched, "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels" probably 100 times.

Freak

I feel like I will never find the man of my dreams.

Besides being kind and respectful and all that, he must also have spanko tendencies, a dirty side, a dirty mouth, a firm hand, control without being abusive... all of these extremely picky things regarding bedroom romping, and who can be this perfect person?

Ideally, I don't want him to be so dominant and serious and dark during the day time. I want someone I can play with and laugh with and be silly with. But if he can't turn around and be in control during a spanking, can't discipline me, can't be "abusive" in bed, I can't be attracted. Not all the way.

And I'm such a bitch because I don't ever want my boyfriend to ask me, "Are you okay? Is doing this okay?" but at the same time, if he doesn't ask and he does something I don't like, then I'll feel disrespected.

I know that I've grown up being treated like a princess. I am sensitive and temperamental and I've got my head up in the clouds and I'm girlish and immature and finicky and if I can't get it my way, I sulk and panic and lock myself away in the tower that is my perfectly furnished bedroom. I'm so undateable.
But I'm also extremely loyal and compassionate and playful. Won't that be enough? It's been 22 years of this and if it hasn't changed now, it won't be changing anytime soon.

A friend once told me that I reminded her of Katherine Heigl. I can see it. Sometimes I'm uptight like her character in "Knocked Up." I like to think I have a much better sense of humor than she does, but regardless... I'm much more of freak inside my own mind than I am, AT ALL, on the outside.

Sometimes, I wish I was as openly "freaky" as Sasha Grey is, and be confident that sexuality is beautiful in all its forms. This is what I believe. But that's not what I portray to others, and it's sad how limiting that is.

Introductions

I figure there is no point in lying in a blog that is virtually anonymous. And even so, I still feel hesitant about revealing certain parts of my life. Or rather, certain parts of my mind... all my dark fantasies and idiosyncrasies.

I guess the basics first:
I enjoy spankings. I'm 21 years old.
I love being called endearments. For me, endearments can include everything from baby to bitch. I appear to be sweet. I am very concerned with manners. I love cleaning and decorating and cooking. My muse is Sasha Grey. I am a complete submissive and I desire to be dominated. I have a filthy, dirty mouth. My favorite implement is the hairbrush. I love men who are passionate, but also very kind, very patient, and very gentle.

What else?