Friday, June 22, 2012

Sasha Grey part deux: Koreans, filth, and restraint(s)

The difference between myself and people like Sasha Grey is that I am not a go-getter, and I choose to believe that a quiet life is what is right for me. Blame it on the anxiety, on the upbringing, the cultural expectations, whatever. 

The reason you don't see real Korean people in mainstream American porn is not because they aren't just as fucked as the rest of the world, but because Koreans have a deeply rooted sense of fear and a massive inferiority complex, regardless of whether they were born in the US or not. Any porn sites that advertise "Korean" girls are more than likely to have just picked up a random Asian country and labeled the girl with slanted eyes as being such, just because it sounds exotic.

This is not to say that Chinese or Japanese people don't have the similar Confucian beliefs and cultural hang-ups as the Koreans do... but it's just different.

I don't want to be a porno girl. I used to, because I thought that I could handle it, but I know that's wholly untrue. I simply don't have the personality for it. Sasha Grey might have been slightly introverted as a kid, but she has an inner drive and fearlessness that I don't.

In my wildest fantasies, though, I can be like her. If I had that go-getter mentality, I would break into the porn industry and make a huge name for myself. And honestly, being Korean would be a major push for me. It would be the most shameful thing... this college-educated, middle-class, pale-skinned, young Korean girl getting smashed and violated like a stankass ho. That actually turns me on. The fact that Koreans would be so shocked and disgusted by it, but at the same time, be my biggest audience. Those filthy sons of bitches.

Who wouldn't want to see this tapped to bits? I would.

But I can't. Because I'm not tough enough. And also, my parents would just die. Korean girls have an undercurrent of fear and shame running through them.That's why the "worst" they can do is date a black guy... but that's not really just a Korean thing, I guess.

This wasn't all about me spewing vitriol about the Korean plight. There was a point here.

Even taking that mentality out of porn and into the "real" world, why can't I be just as ambitious and strong-willed in another field? I might not be fearless, but I certainly have a lot of pent up energy. Or at least, I used to. I should be able to channel that elsewhere... but I'm stuck.

I think that a quiet life is the way I'm supposed to go, but I'm not a quiet person, not on the inside. Words to describe who I am really? Restrained. Coiled. Stifled. By my own self, not by culture, or parents, or other forces.

And why? I really don't know. I don't know how to plunge. I don't know how to prove people wrong, when I've been acting "right" the whole time.

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