I need to put my life on pause for a second and take a moment to figure some shit out.
Maybe this is just first world problems. I don't know. God knows all I have now is time... Time to oversleep, eat, blog, eat again, maybe work out (probably not), watch TV, go on Tumblr, eat, think about working out, watch TV, take a nap, eat, watch TV, go on Tumblr, and then sleep. That can't be right.
I have been losing sleep at night over all this spanking business as well. What was once an awesome fantasy in my mind has become real over the past couple months, but it doesn't live up to the hype my mind created for 20-some years. I had been fantasizing in 2 minute trailer length versions of what real spankings are like. You get spanked, there is the element of submission and domination, and you feel the sting on your ass for a few days after... but then what? Is it all just an elaborate act?
My tastes have expanded... I was never interested in the DD lifestyle, but now that's my ultimate goal because it's the closest, most intimate, most beautiful thing I can think of, as far as marriage or relationships go. But what the fuck do I really know about relationships?
I really don't know anything, and it's been confirmed by all this foolishness with J and C. In the most vulgar sense, I am completely cock-hungry. To put it in a nicer way, I crave intimacy and touch. Sex and spanking is on my mind all day. But what else do I want in a relationship?
The closest thing I can even compare it to is the relationship I have with my best friend. During summers we could spend all week with each other, doing absolutely nothing. Just talking and laughing all day until our jaws literally started hurting and we had to take a break. What do we even do? We just talk shit and joke and drink coffee and even takes naps in the middle, just so we can wake up and go eat and talk some more. And then we get pissed off for one reason or another and we fight and then later, get back together because we're bored, or we get over it. Is that considered homoerotic? We change in front of each other. I've seen her naked. We sleep in the same bed during sleepovers. Or is that just normal girl friendship behavior?
I figure that's what a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship is like, except with more sex and nudity. But I don't know how to be romantic and girlfriend-y. I can be someone's bottom bitch, but I don't know how to be very loveable. To hell with "just be yourself"... there are still some unspoken rules you have to follow to keep up with a relationship.
Beyond sex and spanking, I don't know what exactly I have to offer to a boyfriend. Yes, support, loyalty, maybe even humor... and what can they give me? Never enough. Because I'm very selfish and crave an immense amount of attention. I'm beginning to realize more and more that that's how I've been raised.