The Aftermath

After the spanking was over, T was nice, normal again. We listened to rap in the car for a while, and he was rubbing my back.

That was when I got a really empty lull in my brain. 

I hate when people touch me, but after this particular spanking, all I wanted to do was lay down with someone and fall asleep in their arms. That is very abnormal for me. I didn't want it to be T. I wanted it to be J. Or even C. 

Spanking is such an intense experience. But I don't feel close to T like that at all, and it was nice that he was trying to relax me, but I didn't want it to be his hands. 

When I got home, I was in such a strange state of relaxation, I could barely keep my eyes open long enough to brush my teeth.

I texted J, saying, "I want to be over your lap being spanked, and I wish you were closer." He doesn't know that I went to see T. 

"I'd like that also," he said. But it didn't feel like enough.

I felt something like sadness, or maybe it was longing. 

I still love spanking, but I can't go to T anymore. Even though the offense was real, the spanking felt meaningless. I tried to believe that the "judicial punishment" setting was a good thing. But more and more towards the end, and especially when I got home, it just reminded me that in the end, I was just going to go home and fall asleep alone, and there is no comfort or caring or playfulness or warmth after that. It isn't about sex or fooling around... it's that element of closeness that is missing. And that is a major thing.