I was talking this guy... a random, faceless, intelligent man, B, who also happens to be a Dom in his bedroom romps. I had written to him about how I will always want what I can never have, and he told me, in S&M, D/s, and DD relationships, many things are possible, as long as you find the right person.
"But I want someone to be violent with me, really take their temper out on me. Spank me. Slap me even. Grab me and really, truly make me regret."
"Why is that so far-fetched?"
"Because sex is not a part of this. I am not turned on by this. I don't want someone to rough house with me and then force me to suck his cock because that's hot for both of us. That's not what I want."
"There can be someone like that for you. It's harder to find, and you must be very careful about that sort of play, but he's out there."
"But it can't be like play. He cannot, under any circumstances, weaken because I cry or beg him to stop. He can't end the spanking with a hug. He can't ask me if I'm okay. He can't be a nice guy."
"That's possible. As long as you have a safeword, you can--"
"No, I don't want a safeword. I want it to be as nonconsensual as consensual can possibly be."
By the end of the conversation, it boiled down to: 1. You are not crazy, 2. This must be regulated very carefully.
He thinks I'm interesting. But still no answers.
I've never considered myself a pain freak, like many submissive girls do. I don't get tattoos and get high off the exhilaration of that sort of pain. I'm not into the hardcore bondage and slavery and domination aspect of S&M.
We get into highly provocative conversations about philosophy and psychology, and much of it revolves around me.
"I'm sorry I'm so damn self-absorbed. I'm sorry I'm so difficult."
"You have to stop apologizing about everything. I don't think you're self-absorbed or difficult. Why do you think so?"
"I don't like to impose myself on others. I want to please them. I don't like when people are mad or annoyed with me."
"But in your fantasies, a lot of this harsh spanking stuff is motivated by anger... their anger placed upon you. No sex involved."
"Yes, it is. I don't like when people are mad at me because there is nothing I know how to do to remedy that situation. I'll just shut down, freeze up. Disassociate. But if they can take it out on me somehow, FORCE me to be repentant, then it's okay. Physical violence is confrontational, it's direct, usually instant, and painful. I'd rather have that."
"So maybe you are turned on by that thrill. Maybe not sexually. But you are turned on by anger. And your own fear."
But that just proves how selfish I am. B says that he could possibly and hypothetically partake in this if one or both of his conditions were met: a) that we use a safeword and discuss it afterward, or b) we engage in something sexual so that he knew I was deriving some pleasure from it. I said no to both.
"I wouldn't feel comfortable hurting another person like that if we couldn't break out of character at the end... I can be pretty sadistic, but not if I can't tell it's consensual and pleasurable, at least somewhat, for both of us."
"I wouldn't want you to break out of character."
"We wouldn't have to cuddle or anything like that, I would just need to know that you are okay."
It has to be with someone I trust and maybe even love... but he would have to be harsh and violent and cold. But not leave me either.
Maybe someday when I am more open to sex, I can try a D/s or DD relationship... but I just can't right now. And that is frustrating as hell.