Unwanted Spanking

I've agreed to meet T tonight again for a punishment spanking. I did not want to. Not because I don't like or trust him, but just because I don't feel that sort of connection to him... especially after I've been talking to these other boys.

But I kind of like the fact that I'm not excited. Because there's a different sense of dread there... it's not like a "Oh my God, I'm going to be spanked! I'm so excited!" feeling. It's more like, "I really don't want to be punished tonight." Which seems more "real," especially since there is absolutely no sexual aspect to this dread at all.

I imagine it sort of like those spanking videos where the girls get spanked instead of going to jail. I'm getting this spanking whether I truly "want" it or not... and in this case, I really don't. But I'm going to get it because I agreed to meet him.

Maybe this time, I'll feel more repentant.

(But my God, I'm really scared of that bath brush, I really am.)

Intensity

"Maybe you get turned on by anger. By fear."

I was talking this guy... a random, faceless, intelligent man, B, who also happens to be a Dom in his bedroom romps. I had written to him about how I will always want what I can never have, and he told me, in S&M, D/s, and DD relationships, many things are possible, as long as you find the right person. 

"But I want someone to be violent with me, really take their temper out on me. Spank me. Slap me even. Grab me and really, truly make me regret."

"Why is that so far-fetched?"

"Because sex is not a part of this. I am not turned on by this. I don't want someone to rough house with me and then force me to suck his cock because that's hot for both of us. That's not what I want."

"There can be someone like that for you. It's harder to find, and you must be very careful about that sort of play, but he's out there."

"But it can't be like play. He cannot, under any circumstances, weaken because I cry or beg him to stop. He can't end the spanking with a hug. He can't ask me if I'm okay. He can't be a nice guy."

"That's possible. As long as you have a safeword, you can--"

"No, I don't want a safeword. I want it to be as nonconsensual as consensual can possibly be."

By the end of the conversation, it boiled down to: 1. You are not crazy, 2. This must be regulated very carefully.

He thinks I'm interesting. But still no answers.

I've never considered myself a pain freak, like many submissive girls do. I don't get tattoos and get high off the exhilaration of that sort of pain. I'm not into the hardcore bondage and slavery and domination aspect of S&M. 

We get into highly provocative conversations about philosophy and psychology, and much of it revolves around me.

"I'm sorry I'm so damn self-absorbed. I'm sorry I'm so difficult."

"You have to stop apologizing about everything. I don't think you're self-absorbed or difficult. Why do you think so?"

"I don't like to impose myself on others. I want to please them. I don't like when people are mad or annoyed with me."

"But in your fantasies, a lot of this harsh spanking stuff is motivated by anger... their anger placed upon you. No sex involved."

"Yes, it is. I don't like when people are mad at me because there is nothing I know how to do to remedy that situation. I'll just shut down, freeze up. Disassociate. But if they can take it out on me somehow, FORCE me to be repentant, then it's okay. Physical violence is confrontational, it's direct, usually instant, and painful. I'd rather have that."

"So maybe you are turned on by that thrill. Maybe not sexually. But you are turned on by anger. And your own fear."

Jackpot.

But that just proves how selfish I am. B says that he could possibly and hypothetically partake in this if one or both of his conditions were met: a) that we use a safeword and discuss it afterward, or b) we engage in something sexual so that he knew I was deriving some pleasure from it. I said no to both. 

"I wouldn't feel comfortable hurting another person like that if we couldn't break out of character at the end... I can be pretty sadistic, but not if I can't tell it's consensual and pleasurable, at least somewhat, for both of us."

"I wouldn't want you to break out of character."

"We wouldn't have to cuddle or anything like that, I would just need to know that you are okay."

"No."

It has to be with someone I trust and maybe even love... but he would have to be harsh and violent and cold. But not leave me either. 

Maybe someday when I am more open to sex, I can try a D/s or DD relationship... but I just can't right now. And that is frustrating as hell. 

Good Girl, Bad Girl

He says he's 6'2" which is much larger than my 5'6." I told him I needed him to be firm with me. Don't let me fuck around with you because I will do it because I can and always have. I know it's my first time... but I'm a bad girl at heart. It's always good-girl-bad-girl.

Anyone from the outside would see that I'm one of the "good" ones. Never got into trouble at school. Went to a good college. Got good grades. The worst thing I've done is steal (high school), smoke some weed (occasionally, but now I can't do it), and drink underage (college.) But that's not really anything. I am polite, to a fault. I don't have grotesque piercings or tattoos. I don't wear obscene clothing. I'm not promiscuous.
I am wide-eyed. I smirk. I stay quiet. I don't do bad things.

But maybe that's all suppression of the badness inside. I don't mean bad like, "I'm a terrible person, I am worthless." I mean bad like... naughty. Spoiled. Stuck-up.

I want to push someone and push them hard. Push all their damn buttons and piss them off. But I am terrified of that anger. I hate making people mad... when I see a flicker of annoyance in anyone's face, I back the fuck off. I don't push. But I want to. I want to push them, act bratty, talk back, give the middle finger, say "fuck you." And I want them not to get angry or angry at me, but grab me by my arm and say, "I don't know where you've learned to act that way, but you're not getting away with that with me," and give me hard lesson on the seat of pants. True anger? I can't deal with that. Anger and then a spanking to teach me repentance? Yes, that's what I want.

Maybe it's almost abusive.
If I wasn't a spanko, I would be pushing all my boyfriends this way. I would push them until they hit me, and then maybe I would feel satisfaction in some way.
But because I'm a spanko, it's safer. But still not perfect.
I want to piss someone off so badly that they take all their anger out on my ass. I want to whine and sass and swear. I WANT HIM TO BE MAD.

But after he spanks me, after he has made sure that I won't do it again and that I regret doing it the first time, I want him to be satisfied. I want to say sorry, and I want him to feel sorry that he hurt me.

It's so much to ask for.

I've had these desires ever since I could remember.
When I first started watching "Law & Order: SVU" (maybe age 11 or so?) I'm pretty sure Detective Stabler was one of my first non-sexual spanking fantasies. He was aggressive and passionate and dominant and unafraid to be forceful, but also so caring and protective of his friends and family. I wanted someone like that in my life... still do. Someone I could run to when I made mistakes and be told that he was there for me, unconditionally. Someone I needed to hide my bad behavior from, and if caught, face the consequences, which was undoubtedly a spanking. And even if it wasn't an actual spanking, I wanted someone like him to grab me hard when I talked back to him and threaten to spank me. It was never sexual. It wasn't about wanting to seduce him with the prettiness of a reddened bottom... it was just about being spanked and forgiven and cared about.

But that's not a real person, at least no one that I've ever met. It's just not realistic. Maybe a boyfriend... but that's still not the same as a father figure.