Making Him Mad

I actually pissed J off yesterday. It was my goal all along supposedly, but after doing it, I felt terrible. And I don't ever want to do it again.

We talked it out, and there were some misunderstandings from both parties... I just never knew that I could ever make someone mad because of my flirtatiousness. I didn't even know it was possible that I could do that.

I don't know what I learned from all this besides the fact that I really want to be good, and I care about him and what he thinks of me, even though I shouldn't.

Good Girl, Bad Girl

He says he's 6'2" which is much larger than my 5'6." I told him I needed him to be firm with me. Don't let me fuck around with you because I will do it because I can and always have. I know it's my first time... but I'm a bad girl at heart. It's always good-girl-bad-girl.

Anyone from the outside would see that I'm one of the "good" ones. Never got into trouble at school. Went to a good college. Got good grades. The worst thing I've done is steal (high school), smoke some weed (occasionally, but now I can't do it), and drink underage (college.) But that's not really anything. I am polite, to a fault. I don't have grotesque piercings or tattoos. I don't wear obscene clothing. I'm not promiscuous.
I am wide-eyed. I smirk. I stay quiet. I don't do bad things.

But maybe that's all suppression of the badness inside. I don't mean bad like, "I'm a terrible person, I am worthless." I mean bad like... naughty. Spoiled. Stuck-up.

I want to push someone and push them hard. Push all their damn buttons and piss them off. But I am terrified of that anger. I hate making people mad... when I see a flicker of annoyance in anyone's face, I back the fuck off. I don't push. But I want to. I want to push them, act bratty, talk back, give the middle finger, say "fuck you." And I want them not to get angry or angry at me, but grab me by my arm and say, "I don't know where you've learned to act that way, but you're not getting away with that with me," and give me hard lesson on the seat of pants. True anger? I can't deal with that. Anger and then a spanking to teach me repentance? Yes, that's what I want.

Maybe it's almost abusive.
If I wasn't a spanko, I would be pushing all my boyfriends this way. I would push them until they hit me, and then maybe I would feel satisfaction in some way.
But because I'm a spanko, it's safer. But still not perfect.
I want to piss someone off so badly that they take all their anger out on my ass. I want to whine and sass and swear. I WANT HIM TO BE MAD.

But after he spanks me, after he has made sure that I won't do it again and that I regret doing it the first time, I want him to be satisfied. I want to say sorry, and I want him to feel sorry that he hurt me.

It's so much to ask for.

I've had these desires ever since I could remember.
When I first started watching "Law & Order: SVU" (maybe age 11 or so?) I'm pretty sure Detective Stabler was one of my first non-sexual spanking fantasies. He was aggressive and passionate and dominant and unafraid to be forceful, but also so caring and protective of his friends and family. I wanted someone like that in my life... still do. Someone I could run to when I made mistakes and be told that he was there for me, unconditionally. Someone I needed to hide my bad behavior from, and if caught, face the consequences, which was undoubtedly a spanking. And even if it wasn't an actual spanking, I wanted someone like him to grab me hard when I talked back to him and threaten to spank me. It was never sexual. It wasn't about wanting to seduce him with the prettiness of a reddened bottom... it was just about being spanked and forgiven and cared about.

But that's not a real person, at least no one that I've ever met. It's just not realistic. Maybe a boyfriend... but that's still not the same as a father figure.