I'm not really a movie person, but after finishing all 5 seasons of Mad Men, my brain has needed a constant fix of entertainment so I've watched about a million movies to keep myself occupied. Most recently, I've seen "American History X," "10 Things I Hate About You," and "The Italian Job." It kind of bothers me that I need to immerse myself in fantasy like this, like I don't have a "real" life or something.
I've been stressed out by a couple of major things these days, but mostly I'm annoyed with myself. I wish I was more of a go-getter and I could just plunge into whatever I felt like. Worry about the consequences later. But I'm cautious to a fault, and I know someday I'm going to regret being this way.
On the other hand, I know that the moment I move out of my house, I'm going to completely let loose. Like those extremely sheltered girls who go off to an out-of-state college and black out every other night... except I don't have college as an excuse. I feel like I've stifled so many emotions these past couple months during the summer that as soon as I am truly free, I won't be able to stop myself.
I've literally been Googling things like: "am I spoiled?" "am I narcissistic?" "do I have anger problems?"
I feel like who I am right now is not who I really am. Everything annoys and frustrates me. I feel angry and short-tempered all the time. If a few years ago I was deeply depressed... it's like I have displaced all of that into rage and constant annoyance. But that still trickles down into the final emotion of guilt, which in turn, lends itself into depression and anxiety again. This is not who I am.
This is probably why I am currently so turned off by spanking and BDSM in general these days. I don't feel like submitting to anyone. If anyone wanted to dominate over me, it would take pure physical aggression, not words. Right now, I hear everything as people talking at me, scolding me, nagging me. I don't want to hear it, I really don't. All I want to do is rebel, but I don't have the energy to deal with my parents. All I want to do is do some criminal things, but I resist because someday I'll probably have to get security clearance for my job. All I want to do is get away from myself.