The drive coming back from Chicago was strange. I couldn't sleep. I watched miles and miles of farmland pass by, and later, the endless blackness of the highway at night.
Family gatherings are always awkward, and this wasn't any different. For 14 hours, all I did was allow the small child in my brain scribble across the walls of my mind, jump, scream, throw tantrums, and finally, fall asleep in a heap in the corner. After she wore herself out, all I know for certain is that I don't want to end up in a marriage like my parents.
I can't even describe how I feel about my dad. He's unpredictable. My parents would argue in the car about the stupidest things, my dad getting extremely worked up over whatever they're talking about, completely berating my mother, and my mother, first trying to argue back, and then trying to get him to shut up. Either way, I wanted both of them to shut the FUCK up so we could drive in silence. We're a family but we aren't a family. I love them, but I absolutely hate them. That's "normal," I guess. Whatever it is, just shut the fuck up. I need to know myself outside the realm of this house. I need to get out.
I had "Drive" by Incubus playing on repeat on my iPod. I used to do this with songs a lot when I was younger... listen to a song during some period in my life SO damn much that I can't ever listen to them anymore without feeling a horrifyingly clear rush of emotions overwhelm me. This is the reason I can never listen to "Love Song" by 311 ever again. Same thing with "Hailie's Song" by Eminem, and "I Hate Everything About You" by Three Days Grace, the entirety of Christina Aguilera's Stripped album.... I can't list them all. There are just too many. I look it up on Google and I can't find anything like it. How I literally crawl out of my seat and almost start panicking if I hear those songs... because the emotions they arouse are too strong for me to handle. The beginning of "Drive" has that effect on me... but I really wanted to listen to it this week. I don't know why. And now I can't stop.
Side note: I've never liked Brandon Boyd because he just seemed like a pretty boy with a semi-decent voice, but while listening to "Make Yourself" album, I found myself saying things like, "He's so sensitive" and "These lyrics are so deep." LOL. My goodness. I must have been really bored. He's really not that great.
When I fantasize like that, I'm not even sure it's really about the character... it's more about the idea of him. I wanted the idea of Silas Botwin to spank all his rage out, all that pent-up resentment for Nancy, just unleash on me. And somehow that would also give me release as well. And the spanko writers over at Showtime gave me just what I wanted.
And of course, during the drive I also continue to indulge my "Mad Men" obsession which, in combination with all the emotions involved in dealing with family, listening to Incubus, and feeling hot and bothered about Silas... I just feel a terrible sense of cynicism. About relationships. About trust and love. About intensity and expectation. I watch Don Draper act like the asshole he really is, and even though he's just a character on TV, I think to myself, begging, "Please stop cheating on her. Please make it work with Betty, please."
Now I just feel even more lost.