Sunday, July 29, 2012

Protect me, rescue me

Season 4 of Mad Men has been so addicting, I can't help but watch 3 or 4 episodes at a time. It really is a character-driven show and I wonder why they all seem more real than the people I actually know.

My favorite episodes thus far have been "The Suitcase" and "The Beautiful Girls" because both showcase Don's fatherly side, his almost reluctant sense of authority and protection of the girls in his life.

I've posted about this before but my whole life, I feel like I've been looking for a father figure. I didn't grow up without a father, but it doesn't mean that he was ever really there for me emotionally. I've desired strict father-figures, the kind who would send you back inside to change because my skirt was too short, the kind who would threaten violence on me for talking back, for worrying him, for doing bad things, for skipping school, for neglecting my work, for breaking the rules. I've needed this person. I crave this person so badly that sometimes I don't even know if I even desire a human person, or if I want the inner core of a ghost, the essence of a caricature. It's not a sexual person, for sure. He sees me as a daughter, a small child needing protection and boundaries and rules.
Spanking falls into this fantasy, of course, but at the same time, it's something totally different.

Who, outside of family, would ever feel that fierce sense of protection towards me? Who would ever want to work that hard to protect me? Who would ever have these feelings about me without leaving me once it became too much to handle?

In many ways, I know this makes me incredibly selfish. I know it. I want all the attention, all the love and protection, completely unconditionally, and yet I don't know what I'd be able to do in return, if I'd even want to do anything in return. I've grown up with an extremely high level of attention from my mother. I didn't really realize this until recently, how self-centered I am. It's a symptom of bulimia. Anything can be romanticized if you make it.

And it never goes away. I've always desired this, always, and now as an adult, I see how it can't be like this because I will never get what I want. But still, I feel that twinge of jealousy when I see TV shows or movies that have that father-daughter theme... of women behaving badly and men who always have a nagging sense of responsibility and duty to protect.


  1. I should start watching this, what other tv series are you a fan of? I am a big fan of procedural crime solving drama like mentalist.

    1. MM is one of those love it or hate it shows... but I think it's great :) I also watch Dexter, Weeds, Community, NCIS, and SVU, just to name a few... I watch a lot of TV though so I guess it's safe to say, I'm into TV in general!