Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Punishment therapy

I don't ever want to be the type of person who uses BDSM as therapy, although I know there are inherently therapeutic aspects in this pain-for-pleasure mentality.
But sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be beaten as punishment and as therapy.
I have a lot of self-loathing and guilt issues... will they ever go away?
When I went to T to be spanked for snapping at my mom, I felt dread because I knew it would hurt a lot, and yet I resolved to endure it because I knew it was deserved. And yet in the moment, I wanted desperately for the spanking to stop, for him to slow down, ease up. I almost couldn't take it, even though I wanted to.
The issues I feel most guilty about?
Not treating my mother well. Not helping her enough. Losing my temper with her. Feeling resentment towards my father. Not appreciating everything I have. Feeling irritable with my family. 
I feel like a horrible daughter sometimes. Not just that. For everything. And I want someone to beat the shit out of me for it. 

I can't even really tell what the real underlying reason is. I don't feel worthless like I'm suicidal. I feel worthless sometimes like I need to be punished and made to repent. And knowing what I know about myself, I know that spanking is just one way to deal with those feelings.
But at the same time, I know that spankings give me pleasure, so the purpose is defeated.
Times like these, I kneel and ask myself, or ask God, or ask the universe, how can I punish myself enough to feel good enough? To feel like I can be redeemed again?

Asking for punishment is a practice in indulgence. Punishment is something I crave so that I can feel better about myself. It doesn't change my previous behaviors or actions. In fact, it really doesn't change a thing.

Another intense punishment session? One where the spanker doesn't let up, and he doesn't give in, and I am spanked so hard I pass out? Will that do it? One where I am pushed so way beyond my boundaries in terms of pain that it doesn't bring me an ounce of sexual pleasure?

I've sexualized pain too much. And I've intellectualized it.

I used to cut myself for a variety of reasons, but mostly because of these self-loathing problems. When I was younger, I did it without thinking. As I got older and understood it more, I knew I was doing it because of the release of endorphins. I knew it. I knew it and I would do it in a highly methodical and premeditated way. Because I knew what the outcome would be. So even with the cutting, it was like a pleasurable punishment... and I hate that I know that.

So sometimes I think that the true way for me to feel punished is to be beaten into submission. Not just spanked. I mean, slapped and kicked and punched and yanked and thrown around. Bruised. Scratched. But even that... even THAT exhilarates me. Jesus Christ.


  1. I think it's a very fine line between using punishment in a productive/therapeutic/helpful (whatever you want to call it) way and using punishment as a way to beat ourselves up...literally.

    If it helps you get past things...and if you enjoy it at the same time...then why not? You are an adult.

    Best wishes.

    1. Thank you... I agree, it's a very fine line. Thinking about it too much doesn't seem to make it any clearer :p

  2. I'm not sure it will ever be enough. I think you should recognize that your self-loathing is illogical and unhealthy (but not something to feel more guilty about) and then look for different ways to deal with it that may be more effective in the long run. I struggle with the same stuff you do. Meditation has been helpful for me. Also, I recommend the books of Irvin Yalom. Ultimately, you need to come to a place where you accept yourself, or you will spend your life seeking the approval of less intelligent people who don't truly care about you.

    1. Yes, I agree with you also... it's probably something I should separate from spanking and S&M itself entirely and work on for myself. It is a daily process though of course. What book by Yalom would you recommend?

  3. I like Yalom's "Love's Executioner" and "Existential Therapy." The basic premise of "Existential Therapy" is that most neuroses are based in deep-seated existential fears, primarily fear of death, isolation, freedom (and its accompanying responsibilities), and meaninglessness. His discussion of Freud's view on S&M as attempts to escape isolation is interesting. Freud also observed that many people with masochist tendencies also have sadistic tendencies, since both can come from the same underlying motivations.

    The recent movie "A Dangerous Method" is also very interesting. It is about the real-life love triangle between Karl Jung, Sigmund Freud, and their masochist patient/mentee, Sabina Spielrein. It shows the debate between Freud and Jung as to whether sexuality is the ultimate motivation which is at the root of all human behavior, or whether it is simply one of many motivations. I opt for the latter view. Irvin Yalom explains how people often use sexual behavior to escape from or deal with deeper, ultimately non-sexual issues.

    The movie "Shame" came out around the same time, and got more press. It is basically about a man who associates sex with shame because of childhood trauma, and therefore can't get aroused from sex if shame is not somehow involved. "Shame" and "A Dangerous Method" both star Michael Fassbender. Most women I know enjoy "Shame" mainly for its extended full-frontal male nudity. Those scenes are indeed impressive.

    There's a book I've been meaning to check out called "Sadomasochism in Everyday Life." The concept at least seems interesting, because I think there is a strong element of sadomasochism in the capitalist labor process.

    1. Thank you for all these recommendations! I have been meaning to see "A Dangerous Method" but I never got around to it, and I haven't even heard of "Shame," which sounds more interesting.
      As for sadomasochism occurring in capitalism... oh, I definitely agree :p
      Thanks again.

  4. I've enjoyed perusing your blog. I'm just writing to let you know that you are not alone in your conflicting feelings. My sub loves to be punished, wants to feel frightened, doesn't want it to be sexual (though she has a very strong sexual response) and only has her response to very few men (I'm so lucky!).

    I've made it clear I will never sit in judgement of her, for that has perils for any relationship. So I can't give her a 'real' punishment. What we've finally settled on it she will talk about other guys and fantasies to make me jealous, and that is the reason for her 'punishment' and she can feel bad about that. I of course know what she is doing so am never really jealous (another relationship pitfall), but definitely enjoy having an excuse.

    No need to feel conflicted about your feelings. It seems to come from something primordial, so is just an inner urge with no need for logic. Just allow yourself to enjoy it. You are beautiful and charming, so will have no problems finding volunteers to spank you. Eventually you will find the right one.