Name game

If I were a stripper, what would my name be?
Supposedly, it's pet name+street you grew up on, but I've never owned a pet before and the street I grew up on sounds like a finance company, so I guess I can't be a stripper. Oh well.


Updates about the men in my life:
T, I still chat with occasionally but I don't like the way he pressures me to get naked every time. 
C, I don't chat with anymore because we just mutually drifted apart. Most likely because he also pressured me to get naked and have sex and I said no.
J, I talk to every day. And I really like him. 


So it's really just J. I think from the beginning, I knew it would be J, but still I was hesitant.
We had a talk about trust last night, and the resounding theme of the conversation: "Put your money where your mouth is."
Do I want a top who is nice and safe and easy? Or do I want someone who will be strict and push me? Of course I want a top who will push me. But it's so hard for me to just trust him and say yes and follow him. Because honestly, what if it all just goes to shit?

I have toughened myself up a lot. If it does go to shit, I won't have a meltdown or cry or pretend to care. But that's only because I have begun to brick up a wall. It's about knee-high right now. He says that if he really didn't care, if he just wanted to see some naked girl getting spanked, he wouldn't be talking to me right now. He could just go to spankingtube. And I know that. And still... I don't want to make any of this a big deal so that one day it will all fall to pieces. Because it would just be stupid.

I wish I wasn't so scared of sex and sexuality. I read what girls like Sasha and Stoya say and I love them so much for it. For being so positive and strong and independent and beautiful. And I agree with everything they say. And yet it's so hard for me... to just let go. I don't know what I have to do to be who I want to be.

Mr. and Mrs. Draper

This show enthralls me. At first, I started watching for Jon Hamm... because let's face it. He is the perfect man. But then I started feeling a strange, strange addiction to the show, to Don Draper, the character, and Betty Draper.

There is a scene where they have a fight, and Don says to her wan, defeated face: "It's like I'm living with a little girl." Why do those lines echo in my head, days after I've watched that episode? Why does it prick me, as though he was speaking to me?

I never liked January Jones. But she IS Betty Draper. I believe her. I am obviously not a married woman, not a pent up 60s housewife, but I identify with her character so strongly that it scares me. And I feel like I know Don Draper.

In Season 2, Betty chases after Don up the stairs, angry that he won't take part in disciplining the children, for throwing the toy against the wall, completely shattering it. I can't even remember what happened... and honestly, I don't want to. But she pushes him and then he pushes her back, and she stares at him, in shock, before walking away.

I wasn't expecting that scene, but in a split second I felt tears come to my eyes, felt my stomach drop.

Don Draper is a charismatic character, and he's good-looking. But I don't like him. He scares me. I hate the way he treats Betty. I hate how closed-up he is. Why is Betty so anxious? Because he's hot and cold, and there is no pattern to his madness. Her life is dry.

Maybe there are a thousand parallels to her life and my own, I don't know.
I do know why this show, these characters, make such an impression on me. Why I hate Jon Hamm's character and even January Jones's but I still can't stop watching.

Caned

My anxiety levels are through the roof these past couple of days. I don't know why. Maybe because of J. But mostly because I get this way every couple of weeks and need lots of down time... even though that just makes me more crazy.

I wish I could bend over the arm of a sofa and be caned for a very long time. And then be comforted. Fall asleep. And be better.

Relax

I'm so fucking restless. I have trouble eating because.... butterflies? Nerves? I don't know.

I love talking to J, and all I want to do is get a rise out of him, play with him, flirt with him, make him mad, make him laugh, make him get serious and toppy... I want to play hard to get, but I can't. Last night, I made a mistake. He was out with his friends and told me a drunk girl was trying to hit on him.
"Why don't you take her home," I said, jokingly. "Do you want to spank her?"
"Do you want me to? Is that what you want?"
"No, it's not. But I'm not going to be a cockblock."
"Fair enough."
And later in the night, I ask him if she's still around.
"Yeah."
"Go tap that ass," I say.
"Again, why are you telling me these things, if that's not what you want? It gives me the wrong signals."
"What signals," I ask.
"That you aren't interested."
Immediately, I feel sorry and anxious.
"I am, J. I really am, but I don't have control over what you do. And I don't have the right to say, don't talk to her, don't touch her."
"That's true, but if that's not what you really want, I don't want you to say it."
I apologize and for the rest of the night, I am anxious with him.
Even later in the night, I call him an asshole for something he says, as a joke, and he tells me to take it back. I refuse. He threatens me with various things, but I flat-out refuse to say sorry.
"Okay, well I'm done threatening you."
And that's it.
I freak out, I ask him if he's mad, are you sure, are you really mad at me, are you sure, I'm sorry, I really am.
And he's not even mad at me. It's just me, with all my anxiety and craziness...
"I thought you wanted to make me mad?" he asks.
And that's true... I've told him this before, that I want to make him actually angry. He's too easy-going, and I will break him of that.
"Yes, I do, but I don't know. Not like this."
He assures me he is fine.
We talk online and I try to be normal, but I'm actually about to cry because I feel like I'm too crazy for him, like I don't deserve to be talking to him.
I keep apologizing and tell him I want to be more submissive, I want to be good, but I'm sorry, I'm so anxious, and I don't know what to do, and I'm so sorry for being so bad tonight.
"Alright, listen to me," he says.
"Okay."
"I am going to tell you to do something, and you are going to do what I say."
"Okay."
I am almost in tears because I am expecting him to make me spank myself or do a version of cornertime that involves kneeling on the bed, that drives me absolutely crazy.
"What is it?" I ask.
"Don't ask. Just trust me. Are you going to listen to me?"
"Yes."
"You are going to relax," he says. And I take a deep breath.
"Why are you so nice?" I ask him.
"You weren't bad tonight, and I'm not mad at you. And this is okay, also. You being anxious tonight is okay."
He's read my mind. I was in the middle of typing that I was sorry about that.

I try not to expect too much from him... after all, you know never know what will happen. But I like him so much, and he knows the exact right thing to say, even better than I know myself. I chide him for being too nice of a top, but in times like these, I am so thankful that he is a genuinely nice person. I don't know what to do with myself, I'm just not used to that.