Making Him Mad

I actually pissed J off yesterday. It was my goal all along supposedly, but after doing it, I felt terrible. And I don't ever want to do it again.

We talked it out, and there were some misunderstandings from both parties... I just never knew that I could ever make someone mad because of my flirtatiousness. I didn't even know it was possible that I could do that.

I don't know what I learned from all this besides the fact that I really want to be good, and I care about him and what he thinks of me, even though I shouldn't.

Relax

I'm so fucking restless. I have trouble eating because.... butterflies? Nerves? I don't know.

I love talking to J, and all I want to do is get a rise out of him, play with him, flirt with him, make him mad, make him laugh, make him get serious and toppy... I want to play hard to get, but I can't. Last night, I made a mistake. He was out with his friends and told me a drunk girl was trying to hit on him.
"Why don't you take her home," I said, jokingly. "Do you want to spank her?"
"Do you want me to? Is that what you want?"
"No, it's not. But I'm not going to be a cockblock."
"Fair enough."
And later in the night, I ask him if she's still around.
"Yeah."
"Go tap that ass," I say.
"Again, why are you telling me these things, if that's not what you want? It gives me the wrong signals."
"What signals," I ask.
"That you aren't interested."
Immediately, I feel sorry and anxious.
"I am, J. I really am, but I don't have control over what you do. And I don't have the right to say, don't talk to her, don't touch her."
"That's true, but if that's not what you really want, I don't want you to say it."
I apologize and for the rest of the night, I am anxious with him.
Even later in the night, I call him an asshole for something he says, as a joke, and he tells me to take it back. I refuse. He threatens me with various things, but I flat-out refuse to say sorry.
"Okay, well I'm done threatening you."
And that's it.
I freak out, I ask him if he's mad, are you sure, are you really mad at me, are you sure, I'm sorry, I really am.
And he's not even mad at me. It's just me, with all my anxiety and craziness...
"I thought you wanted to make me mad?" he asks.
And that's true... I've told him this before, that I want to make him actually angry. He's too easy-going, and I will break him of that.
"Yes, I do, but I don't know. Not like this."
He assures me he is fine.
We talk online and I try to be normal, but I'm actually about to cry because I feel like I'm too crazy for him, like I don't deserve to be talking to him.
I keep apologizing and tell him I want to be more submissive, I want to be good, but I'm sorry, I'm so anxious, and I don't know what to do, and I'm so sorry for being so bad tonight.
"Alright, listen to me," he says.
"Okay."
"I am going to tell you to do something, and you are going to do what I say."
"Okay."
I am almost in tears because I am expecting him to make me spank myself or do a version of cornertime that involves kneeling on the bed, that drives me absolutely crazy.
"What is it?" I ask.
"Don't ask. Just trust me. Are you going to listen to me?"
"Yes."
"You are going to relax," he says. And I take a deep breath.
"Why are you so nice?" I ask him.
"You weren't bad tonight, and I'm not mad at you. And this is okay, also. You being anxious tonight is okay."
He's read my mind. I was in the middle of typing that I was sorry about that.

I try not to expect too much from him... after all, you know never know what will happen. But I like him so much, and he knows the exact right thing to say, even better than I know myself. I chide him for being too nice of a top, but in times like these, I am so thankful that he is a genuinely nice person. I don't know what to do with myself, I'm just not used to that.

Two-timing

I'm really so not used to having so much male attention... every time I log into Gchat, there are 3 or 4 windows that pop up, saying "Hi!" And I honestly don't know how to handle that.

Out of all the men that I have spoken to, there are 2 that I feel the most connection with, but in 2 very different ways.

First, J: He is everything that I've ever wanted in a top, in a boyfriend, in general. Educated, easy-going, playful, sarcastic, funny, patient, successful, stable. He gives me butterflies with his occasional toppy behavior and words, but is also lenient when he can see that I'm anxious. He makes me feel like "the crazy one" because he is so normal and calm, but that's okay because I feel like I can relax with him. And in terms of being a top, he is firm, but never over-the-top... never excessively dominating or scary. He is as vanilla as can be on surface level, until he says something like, "Well, you have to do what I say because I'm the top here, not you." Then it's butterflies all over. He's just a nice guy... a very nice guy.

Then, C: He's a year younger than J, but much more serious... "brooding" if you will. We don't play around much. He claims he is an easy-going guy in real life, but when I talk to him, I straighten myself up a little. I don't flirt and joke with him like I do with J. With J, I can get away with A LOT more, I cuss at him, and try to boss him around, see how he reacts. With C, I try to be better, more feminine, more submissive. He told me about his unstable family life, which, of course, made the rescuer in me melt, wanting to please him and save him. And he told me about how he made a girl cry one time while she was in cornertime because she talked back to him and he paid her back... and it totally thrilled me. He isn't unkind, but more of a no-nonsense, deadpan kind of guy.

And at the same time, I almost feel as though I'm living in a fantasy world with both guys. As much as I talk to them (and I do talk to them a lot), it's like I'm responding to thin air, to a mirage. Like, how likely is it that I'll meet either of them, or have a lasting relationship with them?

C and J represent the dual nature of my desires, what I have known and recognized in myself since I was a very young girl.

On one hand, I know what is good for me. I know that I myself am not the most carefree, relaxed person... I'm anxious, sometimes cold, sometimes withdrawn. So I need that funny guy... the guy who can make me laugh and bring out the sunny side. That's J.

But on the other, I have always been attracted to the darker guys... the ones that I have to work for. I'm sure every girl goes through their bad boy phase, that's nothing new. It makes me desperate to please, makes me more submissive, and the anxiety and fear and tension that their personalities evoke is yes, scary, but also arousing. And that's C.

With J, I know I can flirt my way out of big trouble... at least soften him up a little. C will have me regretting every wrong word I have ever said.

Girlfriend/boyfriend

I'm not sure that I will ever be a normal lover.
I know that I am submissive, I enjoy spankings, and someday I would like to do some pretty dirty things in the bedroom. But none of these things is all encompassing of a real and full relationship.

I can't stand intimacy like that with a male. I can be best friends with girls... all my best friends have always been girls. But I don't get along with guys. I don't fight with them. I just don't speak to them. I don't want to say that I'm afraid of them... it's more like I don't know what to say to them. Everyone tells me to just act like I act with girls, just talk about random stuff.

But I can't.

I don't like when guys flirt with me because it makes me feel disgusting. Not because they are acting disgusting or disrespectful... but I get a feeling in my stomach that just feels terrible.

This is why I like going clubbing. Because I can let loose and be a complete slut, and there are no repercussions or judgments for it, and no one has to fucking talk. Let's be honest, club dancing is just dry sex, dry humping, and you are just a faceless, sweaty body in the crowd.

But that has gotten me into trouble before. One of the last times I went to a club in college, I was totally drunk, totally wild. I started dancing with this guy because he offered me a drink. Why the hell not, I thought. It's Thursday night, no one gives a shit, let's just play and call it a night. I danced with him, grinded on him, I think I even gave him a lap dance, I unbuckled his belt, I did everything to make him believe that he had "scored." Then when the night was over, he started whispering in my ear about something. He wanted to go home with me. I just laughed and said, no, sorry, I gotta go home with my friends. I'm the driver tonight. I have to go home. I have class tomorrow. He was getting pissed, and that was making me anxious. He said he had to go pay his bar tab, will I wait for him? I said, umm yeah sure. But I didn't. I just wanted to leave, so I grabbed my girl friend's hand and we ran across the street to sober up. I really was the driver and I had drunk too much. The cold air would help, I thought. We hung out for about 30 minutes and then started walking to my car. And that guy was there. So fucking pissed. He started yelling at me through the passenger's side, across my poor sophomore friend who was terrified and had no idea what to do. I told him, I'm sorry you got that impression from me, but I need to go home. He was so incredibly mad, I was scared he'd hurt my friend or damage my car.

"Don't FUCKING do that that people. Don't dance for drinks like that and LEAVE. Let me just tell you that I know girls who have gotten HURT for that kind of shit. I know people who would FUCK you up for something like what you just did. Don't ever fucking pull that kind of shit again."

He kept repeating this. And all I could say was, We have to go, we have to go.

Eventually, I drove away, my friend and I both sitting in silence, the night completely ruined.

I slut-shamed my own self. Was that my fault? Was I not to supposed to accept his drink and dancing if I wasn't going to go home with him? Did I push too far? And then this boiled over to rage. Am I a fucking PROSTITUTE? Because we had a good time at the bar, I am OBLIGATED to suck your cock? Just because you have blue balls, I'm supposed to feel SORRY for you?

Maybe it was unclassy of me. Maybe that's not how it works downtown. But I felt such an extreme mixture of guilt, anger, and disgust that I just wondered how I was ever going to be a normal person.
How can I have all these highly "slutty" desires, and yet be such a prude? I'm a complete cocktease, and I lead people on. I can see why that guy would think I was going to fuck him. Because I basically fucked him on the dance floor. That was an extreme case, but this is not the first time that sort of thing has happened.

And even if I met a nice guy who didn't expect all those things of me, I don't want to do anything "romantic" either. I can't stand the thought of someone kissing my mouth, or hugging me, or caressing me. It literally makes my stomach turn over. They aren't disgusting acts, I know this. But it disgusts me anyway.

Spanking is different... it's harsher. It's not a light touch (or at least it shouldn't be). And the idea of a spanking does turn me on... but I still can't... put it together in the context of romance or sex. Will there ever be a guy who could deal with that? You can spank me, but don't put your hands on me anywhere else. Don't touch me in public. Don't kiss me. Don't hug me. Don't cuddle with me. Just. Don't. Touch. Me.

This post doesn't have any chronology or order to it... Even I don't understand how all these things fit together. But the (bare) bottom line is that I either need to seek more therapy, or prepare for a life surrounded by the warmth of cats.

Faceless

I actually hope that T will never find and read this blog.

I was talking to another Dom/spanker online, and he told me that yes, he has lots of experience. Years, in fact. But there have been many times that he felt used as a person, as a spanker, because of the way that spankees treat him. I didn't understand.
"Spanking isn't a one-sided street. There should be gratification for both the spanker and the spankee. And I don't mean sexually. But as you know, the spankee does top from the bottom. So if she sits there and dictates everything, and then you never see her again, talk to her again, except when she wants another spanking, what does that make me? I've had years of experience, but I'm no paid professional. If I was being paid for this, feeling used wouldn't be an issue."

In some ways, I do understand what he's saying because I know for a fact that I am one of those girls.

Of course, I do talk with T online and we chat about a variety of things, not just spanking-related. But the truth is that I don't even remember his face. I don't think that I care to know what he looks like. In the simplest terms, I AM using him. He's a married man, and I know that there is no long-term relationship to be had between us. It's not that I don't want a long-term relationship, but it's not realistic to expect it.

Spanking has been so much of a fantasy thing for me that I'm having trouble understanding it as a reality right now. I want to be well-spanked, but I don't care to be emotionally involved with anyone.

I told T I don't really like to be touched, and he said he did notice that. And besides the fact that I don't like being touched by anyone, I especially don't want to be hugged and cuddled by someone who just spanked me. Because it is a truly intimate thing, yes, but I don't feel intimate with that person.

Intensity

"Maybe you get turned on by anger. By fear."

I was talking this guy... a random, faceless, intelligent man, B, who also happens to be a Dom in his bedroom romps. I had written to him about how I will always want what I can never have, and he told me, in S&M, D/s, and DD relationships, many things are possible, as long as you find the right person. 

"But I want someone to be violent with me, really take their temper out on me. Spank me. Slap me even. Grab me and really, truly make me regret."

"Why is that so far-fetched?"

"Because sex is not a part of this. I am not turned on by this. I don't want someone to rough house with me and then force me to suck his cock because that's hot for both of us. That's not what I want."

"There can be someone like that for you. It's harder to find, and you must be very careful about that sort of play, but he's out there."

"But it can't be like play. He cannot, under any circumstances, weaken because I cry or beg him to stop. He can't end the spanking with a hug. He can't ask me if I'm okay. He can't be a nice guy."

"That's possible. As long as you have a safeword, you can--"

"No, I don't want a safeword. I want it to be as nonconsensual as consensual can possibly be."

By the end of the conversation, it boiled down to: 1. You are not crazy, 2. This must be regulated very carefully.

He thinks I'm interesting. But still no answers.

I've never considered myself a pain freak, like many submissive girls do. I don't get tattoos and get high off the exhilaration of that sort of pain. I'm not into the hardcore bondage and slavery and domination aspect of S&M. 

We get into highly provocative conversations about philosophy and psychology, and much of it revolves around me.

"I'm sorry I'm so damn self-absorbed. I'm sorry I'm so difficult."

"You have to stop apologizing about everything. I don't think you're self-absorbed or difficult. Why do you think so?"

"I don't like to impose myself on others. I want to please them. I don't like when people are mad or annoyed with me."

"But in your fantasies, a lot of this harsh spanking stuff is motivated by anger... their anger placed upon you. No sex involved."

"Yes, it is. I don't like when people are mad at me because there is nothing I know how to do to remedy that situation. I'll just shut down, freeze up. Disassociate. But if they can take it out on me somehow, FORCE me to be repentant, then it's okay. Physical violence is confrontational, it's direct, usually instant, and painful. I'd rather have that."

"So maybe you are turned on by that thrill. Maybe not sexually. But you are turned on by anger. And your own fear."

Jackpot.

But that just proves how selfish I am. B says that he could possibly and hypothetically partake in this if one or both of his conditions were met: a) that we use a safeword and discuss it afterward, or b) we engage in something sexual so that he knew I was deriving some pleasure from it. I said no to both. 

"I wouldn't feel comfortable hurting another person like that if we couldn't break out of character at the end... I can be pretty sadistic, but not if I can't tell it's consensual and pleasurable, at least somewhat, for both of us."

"I wouldn't want you to break out of character."

"We wouldn't have to cuddle or anything like that, I would just need to know that you are okay."

"No."

It has to be with someone I trust and maybe even love... but he would have to be harsh and violent and cold. But not leave me either. 

Maybe someday when I am more open to sex, I can try a D/s or DD relationship... but I just can't right now. And that is frustrating as hell. 

Freak

I feel like I will never find the man of my dreams.

Besides being kind and respectful and all that, he must also have spanko tendencies, a dirty side, a dirty mouth, a firm hand, control without being abusive... all of these extremely picky things regarding bedroom romping, and who can be this perfect person?

Ideally, I don't want him to be so dominant and serious and dark during the day time. I want someone I can play with and laugh with and be silly with. But if he can't turn around and be in control during a spanking, can't discipline me, can't be "abusive" in bed, I can't be attracted. Not all the way.

And I'm such a bitch because I don't ever want my boyfriend to ask me, "Are you okay? Is doing this okay?" but at the same time, if he doesn't ask and he does something I don't like, then I'll feel disrespected.

I know that I've grown up being treated like a princess. I am sensitive and temperamental and I've got my head up in the clouds and I'm girlish and immature and finicky and if I can't get it my way, I sulk and panic and lock myself away in the tower that is my perfectly furnished bedroom. I'm so undateable.
But I'm also extremely loyal and compassionate and playful. Won't that be enough? It's been 22 years of this and if it hasn't changed now, it won't be changing anytime soon.

A friend once told me that I reminded her of Katherine Heigl. I can see it. Sometimes I'm uptight like her character in "Knocked Up." I like to think I have a much better sense of humor than she does, but regardless... I'm much more of freak inside my own mind than I am, AT ALL, on the outside.

Sometimes, I wish I was as openly "freaky" as Sasha Grey is, and be confident that sexuality is beautiful in all its forms. This is what I believe. But that's not what I portray to others, and it's sad how limiting that is.

Switch

So strange... but for the first time in my life, I'm having thoughts about being a switch.
I've ALWAYS been the submissive/bottom/whatever you want to call it. But I had this dream a couple nights ago where I had a cute girl over my knee and I was pulling her panties down and spanking her with a hairbrush. So out of character for me! But it wasn't a bad dream either... hmmm...

Korean

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