Dangerous games

I'll be moving deeper south in a few days for a new job. I am not thrilled about it, but my best friend says it'll be cool, "like in 'True Blood.'" I've never seen that show but I have seen "The Walking Dead," and maybe I'll meet a Norman Reedus look-alike!

 

I'd like to attribute my lack of enthusiasm for spanking on stress but I think another big component is that I'm interested in a wider range of things right now. It's not that spanking is a simplistic act... it's just as complicated and psychological as other forms of S&M, but at the moment, it feels very mild. I thought that the cure for that was being hurt more, with more force, more pain, more everything. But that's not it either.

So I've been trying to imagine what a perfect scenario would be, what exactly it is that I want. Obviously, tastes will evolve, preferences will change... I know that physical pain and some element of fear and danger are the two things that turn me on. I don't like this localized sense of pain that spanking involves, the necessity of compliance. Yes, you can kick and struggle but ultimately, being spanked is a submissive act and it's wholly consensual.

It's not that I'm looking to do anything non-consensual, though. I don't know what I want. I don't like the set-up of scenarios in general... how it's "real" but also a game. It's supposed to be serious but it's also a form of play. How safewords and caution are always involved. But I know this is all illogical thinking also. If there weren't constraints and rules and consent, then all of this would be actual torture. But still... I can't help but want something more.

 

In other news, I've been planning the interior design for my new apartment these past couple of days and it is lots of (fun) work. I wish I owned more furniture though... I am secretly trying to make my living room look like the inside of a 1920s brothel because it'll be sexy, but my mom is absolutely opposed to red or dimmed lighting because she says it looks "whore-y." I know!! That's the point!!

I don't have any fear about living alone, although I hope that I won't be bored. There isn't much to do in that tiny little town, except maybe have sex and smoke meth.

Modern Family, violins, and Patrick Bateman

"He blew his lid... when she tried to contain him..."
-Phil talking about Claire's missing Tupperware lids

Now that I'm lacking my daily dose of "Mad Men," and I realize that I really don't like movies, I've started watching "Modern Family." It had a slightly slow start, but this is another one of those character-driven stories and I have definitely gotten to love the characters at this point (Season 2).

I LOVE Phil Dunphy... I want to marry someone like him. Even though he is such a dork. Though, it certainly doesn't hurt that he has very good hands...

I feel like I know what it is to be a teenager, and I know what I want when I am a little bit older and married. But I don't know what I want right now. So I try to watch shows or movies catered toward the 20-something crowd to see what is "normal," but I can never relate, and I always feel either extremely immature or overly cynical.

And at this point, I don't want to say that I am "over" S&M or spanking, but I am so far away from all that right now. It's not relevant in my life right now.

There's no rhyme or reason to this post.

I miss the days when I played violin and was part of an orchestra. That is probably the nerdiest slice of my past. I hated it way back when but now I miss it... but now I can't play very well. I miss obsessing over notes and watching the same Bruch video over and over. I miss the competition, the leadership, the intensity. Wow, that sounds so nerdy.

Sometimes when I'm feeling particularly stressed out or upset, I like to go online to look up murder videos. Just like what Patrick Bateman said: "What do you do?" "I'm into, well, murders an executions mostly." I like looking at pictures of accidents and murders and suicides and autopsies... well, maybe not like it so much as find them intriguing. I remember only a few years ago, back in high school, I wasn't able to stomach those types of photos. Now I watch them with a coffee in one hand and a muffin in the other.

It's like I am so far removed from the actual tragedy of it that I am almost close to laughing at them... it's so wrong and yet I can't stop. Maybe seeing these things kind of give me a sort of twisted wake-up call... like my life isn't too bad. My family hasn't been chopped up by the Mexican cartel. No one has raped me and put up the video online. I haven't been crushed between two racing cars. Life isn't as bad as that. I never watch videos like this when I'm happy and content.

I remember watching the Luka Magnotta video when it came out and feeling slightly sick about the way he handled the body, and thinking, that is the ugliest side of humanity, the darkest end of the spectrum, the most fucked up that people can become. My depression, my anxiety, my spoiled sense of being, that is nothing compared to how dark life can be. But after watching that, I didn't think to myself, I need to brush my shoulders off. I just thought about how disgusting and untrustworthy people are... so why even try?

Sometimes I am able to see the pure beauty in the world and feel hope for it... and then there is the ugliness that I've witnessed on film and photos, no back story necessary, and I want to give up entirely.

Black and white. Story of my life.

But I want to end on happy note.

Hey, Phil... I feel like I'm crazy and weird. Am I weird?

Thanks, Phil.

Girlfriend/boyfriend

I'm not sure that I will ever be a normal lover.
I know that I am submissive, I enjoy spankings, and someday I would like to do some pretty dirty things in the bedroom. But none of these things is all encompassing of a real and full relationship.

I can't stand intimacy like that with a male. I can be best friends with girls... all my best friends have always been girls. But I don't get along with guys. I don't fight with them. I just don't speak to them. I don't want to say that I'm afraid of them... it's more like I don't know what to say to them. Everyone tells me to just act like I act with girls, just talk about random stuff.

But I can't.

I don't like when guys flirt with me because it makes me feel disgusting. Not because they are acting disgusting or disrespectful... but I get a feeling in my stomach that just feels terrible.

This is why I like going clubbing. Because I can let loose and be a complete slut, and there are no repercussions or judgments for it, and no one has to fucking talk. Let's be honest, club dancing is just dry sex, dry humping, and you are just a faceless, sweaty body in the crowd.

But that has gotten me into trouble before. One of the last times I went to a club in college, I was totally drunk, totally wild. I started dancing with this guy because he offered me a drink. Why the hell not, I thought. It's Thursday night, no one gives a shit, let's just play and call it a night. I danced with him, grinded on him, I think I even gave him a lap dance, I unbuckled his belt, I did everything to make him believe that he had "scored." Then when the night was over, he started whispering in my ear about something. He wanted to go home with me. I just laughed and said, no, sorry, I gotta go home with my friends. I'm the driver tonight. I have to go home. I have class tomorrow. He was getting pissed, and that was making me anxious. He said he had to go pay his bar tab, will I wait for him? I said, umm yeah sure. But I didn't. I just wanted to leave, so I grabbed my girl friend's hand and we ran across the street to sober up. I really was the driver and I had drunk too much. The cold air would help, I thought. We hung out for about 30 minutes and then started walking to my car. And that guy was there. So fucking pissed. He started yelling at me through the passenger's side, across my poor sophomore friend who was terrified and had no idea what to do. I told him, I'm sorry you got that impression from me, but I need to go home. He was so incredibly mad, I was scared he'd hurt my friend or damage my car.

"Don't FUCKING do that that people. Don't dance for drinks like that and LEAVE. Let me just tell you that I know girls who have gotten HURT for that kind of shit. I know people who would FUCK you up for something like what you just did. Don't ever fucking pull that kind of shit again."

He kept repeating this. And all I could say was, We have to go, we have to go.

Eventually, I drove away, my friend and I both sitting in silence, the night completely ruined.

I slut-shamed my own self. Was that my fault? Was I not to supposed to accept his drink and dancing if I wasn't going to go home with him? Did I push too far? And then this boiled over to rage. Am I a fucking PROSTITUTE? Because we had a good time at the bar, I am OBLIGATED to suck your cock? Just because you have blue balls, I'm supposed to feel SORRY for you?

Maybe it was unclassy of me. Maybe that's not how it works downtown. But I felt such an extreme mixture of guilt, anger, and disgust that I just wondered how I was ever going to be a normal person.
How can I have all these highly "slutty" desires, and yet be such a prude? I'm a complete cocktease, and I lead people on. I can see why that guy would think I was going to fuck him. Because I basically fucked him on the dance floor. That was an extreme case, but this is not the first time that sort of thing has happened.

And even if I met a nice guy who didn't expect all those things of me, I don't want to do anything "romantic" either. I can't stand the thought of someone kissing my mouth, or hugging me, or caressing me. It literally makes my stomach turn over. They aren't disgusting acts, I know this. But it disgusts me anyway.

Spanking is different... it's harsher. It's not a light touch (or at least it shouldn't be). And the idea of a spanking does turn me on... but I still can't... put it together in the context of romance or sex. Will there ever be a guy who could deal with that? You can spank me, but don't put your hands on me anywhere else. Don't touch me in public. Don't kiss me. Don't hug me. Don't cuddle with me. Just. Don't. Touch. Me.

This post doesn't have any chronology or order to it... Even I don't understand how all these things fit together. But the (bare) bottom line is that I either need to seek more therapy, or prepare for a life surrounded by the warmth of cats.

Vanilla, Wolverine, Freebies

I hung out with my close, very vanilla friend last night. We talked about a variety of things, but inevitably, the conversation drifted towards sex. She is fiending to get laid, fiending hard. This lead to discussions about psychology, pornography, fantasies...

I asked her what would be her perfect husband, perfect boyfriend. She talks her away around it a lot, but basically she wants someone to fix her, to rescue her. Someone stable, intelligent, and gentle. And equal. A sweet guy. A nerd. Her childhood stories are horrifying. Her mother was (and still is) an extremely manipulative, emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive bitch... there are no words to describe the type of abuse and torment she has given to her children. So my friend has some of the symptoms of someone who has been through that, but also, not really. And I guessed a long time ago that she had been molested as a child; I was right. But she's as vanilla as vanilla can be. One time, a random hook-up tried to spank her with a belt, and she said it was painful, unpleasant, and humiliating. She prefers missionary position. She doesn't masturbate because she can't get off on fantasy or imagination. A physical person must be there to turn her on.

I can say I haven't been through a third of what she has been through... and yet my kink level is through the roof. How does that work? I have always considered myself pretty well-versed in psychology. I know people react differently to the same circumstances. So it is not to say that my friend is totally stable. She is very fucked up and emotionally troubled in many other ways. But sexually, she is "normal."

She asked me what my perfect husband would be.
I said someone who is aggressive, but nice. She doesn't understand about spanking, not in the least, so I couldn't really explain what I meant by that.

"Yeah, I get what you're saying," she said. "You want a manly man. Someone who isn't all cuddly and romantic all the time."
Yes, it's something like that. You could put it that way.

Did I mention I'm also a huge nerd? I told her Hugh Jackman is perfect, especially Hugh Jackman as Wolverine. But without the actual claws and stuff.

"Yeah, but isn't he a little scary?" she asked me.

Um, yeah, isn't that great?

"What's with you and all your scary manly men, Wolverine and Christian Bale, especially." (Christian Bale is also pretty high up there in my "Freebie List.")

"I think they're hot."

"I think you just want to get your ass beat."

Lol. I know she meant it in a domestic violence kind of way, but that's not what my mind was thinking.

Intensity

"Maybe you get turned on by anger. By fear."

I was talking this guy... a random, faceless, intelligent man, B, who also happens to be a Dom in his bedroom romps. I had written to him about how I will always want what I can never have, and he told me, in S&M, D/s, and DD relationships, many things are possible, as long as you find the right person. 

"But I want someone to be violent with me, really take their temper out on me. Spank me. Slap me even. Grab me and really, truly make me regret."

"Why is that so far-fetched?"

"Because sex is not a part of this. I am not turned on by this. I don't want someone to rough house with me and then force me to suck his cock because that's hot for both of us. That's not what I want."

"There can be someone like that for you. It's harder to find, and you must be very careful about that sort of play, but he's out there."

"But it can't be like play. He cannot, under any circumstances, weaken because I cry or beg him to stop. He can't end the spanking with a hug. He can't ask me if I'm okay. He can't be a nice guy."

"That's possible. As long as you have a safeword, you can--"

"No, I don't want a safeword. I want it to be as nonconsensual as consensual can possibly be."

By the end of the conversation, it boiled down to: 1. You are not crazy, 2. This must be regulated very carefully.

He thinks I'm interesting. But still no answers.

I've never considered myself a pain freak, like many submissive girls do. I don't get tattoos and get high off the exhilaration of that sort of pain. I'm not into the hardcore bondage and slavery and domination aspect of S&M. 

We get into highly provocative conversations about philosophy and psychology, and much of it revolves around me.

"I'm sorry I'm so damn self-absorbed. I'm sorry I'm so difficult."

"You have to stop apologizing about everything. I don't think you're self-absorbed or difficult. Why do you think so?"

"I don't like to impose myself on others. I want to please them. I don't like when people are mad or annoyed with me."

"But in your fantasies, a lot of this harsh spanking stuff is motivated by anger... their anger placed upon you. No sex involved."

"Yes, it is. I don't like when people are mad at me because there is nothing I know how to do to remedy that situation. I'll just shut down, freeze up. Disassociate. But if they can take it out on me somehow, FORCE me to be repentant, then it's okay. Physical violence is confrontational, it's direct, usually instant, and painful. I'd rather have that."

"So maybe you are turned on by that thrill. Maybe not sexually. But you are turned on by anger. And your own fear."

Jackpot.

But that just proves how selfish I am. B says that he could possibly and hypothetically partake in this if one or both of his conditions were met: a) that we use a safeword and discuss it afterward, or b) we engage in something sexual so that he knew I was deriving some pleasure from it. I said no to both. 

"I wouldn't feel comfortable hurting another person like that if we couldn't break out of character at the end... I can be pretty sadistic, but not if I can't tell it's consensual and pleasurable, at least somewhat, for both of us."

"I wouldn't want you to break out of character."

"We wouldn't have to cuddle or anything like that, I would just need to know that you are okay."

"No."

It has to be with someone I trust and maybe even love... but he would have to be harsh and violent and cold. But not leave me either. 

Maybe someday when I am more open to sex, I can try a D/s or DD relationship... but I just can't right now. And that is frustrating as hell.