Two-timing

I'm really so not used to having so much male attention... every time I log into Gchat, there are 3 or 4 windows that pop up, saying "Hi!" And I honestly don't know how to handle that.

Out of all the men that I have spoken to, there are 2 that I feel the most connection with, but in 2 very different ways.

First, J: He is everything that I've ever wanted in a top, in a boyfriend, in general. Educated, easy-going, playful, sarcastic, funny, patient, successful, stable. He gives me butterflies with his occasional toppy behavior and words, but is also lenient when he can see that I'm anxious. He makes me feel like "the crazy one" because he is so normal and calm, but that's okay because I feel like I can relax with him. And in terms of being a top, he is firm, but never over-the-top... never excessively dominating or scary. He is as vanilla as can be on surface level, until he says something like, "Well, you have to do what I say because I'm the top here, not you." Then it's butterflies all over. He's just a nice guy... a very nice guy.

Then, C: He's a year younger than J, but much more serious... "brooding" if you will. We don't play around much. He claims he is an easy-going guy in real life, but when I talk to him, I straighten myself up a little. I don't flirt and joke with him like I do with J. With J, I can get away with A LOT more, I cuss at him, and try to boss him around, see how he reacts. With C, I try to be better, more feminine, more submissive. He told me about his unstable family life, which, of course, made the rescuer in me melt, wanting to please him and save him. And he told me about how he made a girl cry one time while she was in cornertime because she talked back to him and he paid her back... and it totally thrilled me. He isn't unkind, but more of a no-nonsense, deadpan kind of guy.

And at the same time, I almost feel as though I'm living in a fantasy world with both guys. As much as I talk to them (and I do talk to them a lot), it's like I'm responding to thin air, to a mirage. Like, how likely is it that I'll meet either of them, or have a lasting relationship with them?

C and J represent the dual nature of my desires, what I have known and recognized in myself since I was a very young girl.

On one hand, I know what is good for me. I know that I myself am not the most carefree, relaxed person... I'm anxious, sometimes cold, sometimes withdrawn. So I need that funny guy... the guy who can make me laugh and bring out the sunny side. That's J.

But on the other, I have always been attracted to the darker guys... the ones that I have to work for. I'm sure every girl goes through their bad boy phase, that's nothing new. It makes me desperate to please, makes me more submissive, and the anxiety and fear and tension that their personalities evoke is yes, scary, but also arousing. And that's C.

With J, I know I can flirt my way out of big trouble... at least soften him up a little. C will have me regretting every wrong word I have ever said.

Vanilla, Wolverine, Freebies

I hung out with my close, very vanilla friend last night. We talked about a variety of things, but inevitably, the conversation drifted towards sex. She is fiending to get laid, fiending hard. This lead to discussions about psychology, pornography, fantasies...

I asked her what would be her perfect husband, perfect boyfriend. She talks her away around it a lot, but basically she wants someone to fix her, to rescue her. Someone stable, intelligent, and gentle. And equal. A sweet guy. A nerd. Her childhood stories are horrifying. Her mother was (and still is) an extremely manipulative, emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive bitch... there are no words to describe the type of abuse and torment she has given to her children. So my friend has some of the symptoms of someone who has been through that, but also, not really. And I guessed a long time ago that she had been molested as a child; I was right. But she's as vanilla as vanilla can be. One time, a random hook-up tried to spank her with a belt, and she said it was painful, unpleasant, and humiliating. She prefers missionary position. She doesn't masturbate because she can't get off on fantasy or imagination. A physical person must be there to turn her on.

I can say I haven't been through a third of what she has been through... and yet my kink level is through the roof. How does that work? I have always considered myself pretty well-versed in psychology. I know people react differently to the same circumstances. So it is not to say that my friend is totally stable. She is very fucked up and emotionally troubled in many other ways. But sexually, she is "normal."

She asked me what my perfect husband would be.
I said someone who is aggressive, but nice. She doesn't understand about spanking, not in the least, so I couldn't really explain what I meant by that.

"Yeah, I get what you're saying," she said. "You want a manly man. Someone who isn't all cuddly and romantic all the time."
Yes, it's something like that. You could put it that way.

Did I mention I'm also a huge nerd? I told her Hugh Jackman is perfect, especially Hugh Jackman as Wolverine. But without the actual claws and stuff.

"Yeah, but isn't he a little scary?" she asked me.

Um, yeah, isn't that great?

"What's with you and all your scary manly men, Wolverine and Christian Bale, especially." (Christian Bale is also pretty high up there in my "Freebie List.")

"I think they're hot."

"I think you just want to get your ass beat."

Lol. I know she meant it in a domestic violence kind of way, but that's not what my mind was thinking.

But this isn't for real

So he cracked the side of my wooden hairbrush (which he said he knew would happen)... my ass is completely bruised. Swollen, I guess you can say. I can't really sit down. That's the point. I know.

T is a nice guy. Besides being a good spanker, I can also imagine being friends with him normal, vanilla situations as well. I like that he is not going to hit on me, not going to make any moves on me... I like that he has a sense of humor.

The spanking was also good. I mean, for a first spanking ever, I think that's about as good as it's going to get. Not too brutal, but definitely not soft.

But now it's the day after, and I'm wondering... is this really what I want?

I don't have any qualms about the fact that I met him from online. That was a really good thing, actually, since we were able to treat each other like friends first, not like a discipline service. (Which happens more often than not, I'm noticing.)

But I don't really feel punished. It wasn't supposed to be a punishment, anyway, but in my mind, a spanking is a punishment. I want to feel this stinging, swollen ass of mine and think to myself, "Ouch, well, I deserved that. That's what I get." But I don't really think that at all.

Maybe because the reasons he spanked me weren't really legitimate reasons to me? I get that he wants me to say yes, sir and things like that, and I should be doing what he tells me to do. But I don't feel a horrible sense of regret for not saying yes, sir, or even for telling him to "move your fucking leg!" somewhere in the middle of that spanking. I don't feel like I've learned a lesson about something important.

We were joking with each other during all the breaks we took. T was very good in that way, trying to make me relax and feel more comfortable with him... but that makes it less serious.

This is real life. No one is going to say to you, "Hey, you need to watch your mouth or I swear I'll put you over my knee," and then actually do it. The spanking itself will always be (or should always be) consensual on some level. But I have a desire for it to be non-consensual, totally serious, totally harsh, and make me totally remorseful. Maybe I have to turn to the discipline service type people for that.

I want him to have a legitimate reason to be spanking me, and then spank me hard, make me really cry, and then say, "okay, get up. I hope you've learned your lesson, and every time you sit down, I hope you remember it," and then be gone. No jokes, no laughing, no "are you okay?"

It will never be really REAL for me, I feel like, because spanking is something I enjoy. I mean, not in the moment, but it's not something I fear completely, like a non-spanko would. That annoys the hell out of me.