Relax

I'm so fucking restless. I have trouble eating because.... butterflies? Nerves? I don't know.

I love talking to J, and all I want to do is get a rise out of him, play with him, flirt with him, make him mad, make him laugh, make him get serious and toppy... I want to play hard to get, but I can't. Last night, I made a mistake. He was out with his friends and told me a drunk girl was trying to hit on him.
"Why don't you take her home," I said, jokingly. "Do you want to spank her?"
"Do you want me to? Is that what you want?"
"No, it's not. But I'm not going to be a cockblock."
"Fair enough."
And later in the night, I ask him if she's still around.
"Yeah."
"Go tap that ass," I say.
"Again, why are you telling me these things, if that's not what you want? It gives me the wrong signals."
"What signals," I ask.
"That you aren't interested."
Immediately, I feel sorry and anxious.
"I am, J. I really am, but I don't have control over what you do. And I don't have the right to say, don't talk to her, don't touch her."
"That's true, but if that's not what you really want, I don't want you to say it."
I apologize and for the rest of the night, I am anxious with him.
Even later in the night, I call him an asshole for something he says, as a joke, and he tells me to take it back. I refuse. He threatens me with various things, but I flat-out refuse to say sorry.
"Okay, well I'm done threatening you."
And that's it.
I freak out, I ask him if he's mad, are you sure, are you really mad at me, are you sure, I'm sorry, I really am.
And he's not even mad at me. It's just me, with all my anxiety and craziness...
"I thought you wanted to make me mad?" he asks.
And that's true... I've told him this before, that I want to make him actually angry. He's too easy-going, and I will break him of that.
"Yes, I do, but I don't know. Not like this."
He assures me he is fine.
We talk online and I try to be normal, but I'm actually about to cry because I feel like I'm too crazy for him, like I don't deserve to be talking to him.
I keep apologizing and tell him I want to be more submissive, I want to be good, but I'm sorry, I'm so anxious, and I don't know what to do, and I'm so sorry for being so bad tonight.
"Alright, listen to me," he says.
"Okay."
"I am going to tell you to do something, and you are going to do what I say."
"Okay."
I am almost in tears because I am expecting him to make me spank myself or do a version of cornertime that involves kneeling on the bed, that drives me absolutely crazy.
"What is it?" I ask.
"Don't ask. Just trust me. Are you going to listen to me?"
"Yes."
"You are going to relax," he says. And I take a deep breath.
"Why are you so nice?" I ask him.
"You weren't bad tonight, and I'm not mad at you. And this is okay, also. You being anxious tonight is okay."
He's read my mind. I was in the middle of typing that I was sorry about that.

I try not to expect too much from him... after all, you know never know what will happen. But I like him so much, and he knows the exact right thing to say, even better than I know myself. I chide him for being too nice of a top, but in times like these, I am so thankful that he is a genuinely nice person. I don't know what to do with myself, I'm just not used to that.

Two-timing

I'm really so not used to having so much male attention... every time I log into Gchat, there are 3 or 4 windows that pop up, saying "Hi!" And I honestly don't know how to handle that.

Out of all the men that I have spoken to, there are 2 that I feel the most connection with, but in 2 very different ways.

First, J: He is everything that I've ever wanted in a top, in a boyfriend, in general. Educated, easy-going, playful, sarcastic, funny, patient, successful, stable. He gives me butterflies with his occasional toppy behavior and words, but is also lenient when he can see that I'm anxious. He makes me feel like "the crazy one" because he is so normal and calm, but that's okay because I feel like I can relax with him. And in terms of being a top, he is firm, but never over-the-top... never excessively dominating or scary. He is as vanilla as can be on surface level, until he says something like, "Well, you have to do what I say because I'm the top here, not you." Then it's butterflies all over. He's just a nice guy... a very nice guy.

Then, C: He's a year younger than J, but much more serious... "brooding" if you will. We don't play around much. He claims he is an easy-going guy in real life, but when I talk to him, I straighten myself up a little. I don't flirt and joke with him like I do with J. With J, I can get away with A LOT more, I cuss at him, and try to boss him around, see how he reacts. With C, I try to be better, more feminine, more submissive. He told me about his unstable family life, which, of course, made the rescuer in me melt, wanting to please him and save him. And he told me about how he made a girl cry one time while she was in cornertime because she talked back to him and he paid her back... and it totally thrilled me. He isn't unkind, but more of a no-nonsense, deadpan kind of guy.

And at the same time, I almost feel as though I'm living in a fantasy world with both guys. As much as I talk to them (and I do talk to them a lot), it's like I'm responding to thin air, to a mirage. Like, how likely is it that I'll meet either of them, or have a lasting relationship with them?

C and J represent the dual nature of my desires, what I have known and recognized in myself since I was a very young girl.

On one hand, I know what is good for me. I know that I myself am not the most carefree, relaxed person... I'm anxious, sometimes cold, sometimes withdrawn. So I need that funny guy... the guy who can make me laugh and bring out the sunny side. That's J.

But on the other, I have always been attracted to the darker guys... the ones that I have to work for. I'm sure every girl goes through their bad boy phase, that's nothing new. It makes me desperate to please, makes me more submissive, and the anxiety and fear and tension that their personalities evoke is yes, scary, but also arousing. And that's C.

With J, I know I can flirt my way out of big trouble... at least soften him up a little. C will have me regretting every wrong word I have ever said.

Restless

I'm feeling restless. Being at home all day... all I do is think, think, think.

Is it just me? I feel like being part of the "spanko world," being "into" spanking, being a spanko, being a top or bottom, knowing what "otk" means, knowing what cornertime is, all of that... it just seems like being part of a special secret club or something. Spanking relationships seem so much more passionate and alive and real... maybe that's just snobbery on my part.

But at least for now, being "into spanking" will always be considered kinky and the type of punishment spankings that we (sometimes) crave will always be held a secret between the 2 partners. This enthralls me like no one (but other spankos) could ever know.