Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Revelations while I was high last night
I smoked some pot last night with a friend and all was going well until I was left alone for a while.
I kept thinking about spanking (of course) and then I started dreaming or tripping about how I was spanked when I was a young girl.
My mom would grab my hands, make me kneel, and while holding my hands above my head, she would slap the tops of my thighs, either with her hand or some kind of flat object, and if I tried to block her or rubbed my thighs, she would slap harder and more. God... I actually cried in that haze of half drunken, half high out of my mind state because those memories were so painful. I mean... it's so strange. I remember those experiences being so incredibly physically painful, and yet I'm so sexually aroused by spanking now, as an adult. On one hand, I feel a little ashamed about it, and but on the other, I have had this "fetish" since I was a little girl, and I know I can't do anything about it. And since I know it's not all that unusual, I have come to terms with it.
I'm sure it all comes together. I remember masturbating since I was at least 5 years old, and being caught multiple times and spanked for it. But maybe I started masturbating because I was so scared of being spanked. I've heard that young kids start doing that early when they have a lot of stress or fear at home. The household wasn't quiet when I was very young... I mean it all makes sense.
But maybe that's also why I'm so scared of relationships and sex... being beaten for masturbating and being asked, "Why are you doing such a dirty thing?" over and over... having no words to answer... I was only 5 or 6 years old, I didn't even know what I was doing. It makes my heart hurt even now to think of it. I'm sure my mom was scared too, like why is this little girl doing such a sexual thing? And that's why she had no choice but punish me for it.
I don't blame her... in my high, I remembered that it wasn't abusive. She hit me hard, but after it was over, she always hugged me.
It just bothers me... how those exact things turn me on now, as a 21 year old woman. My dad never hit me, ever, but he terrified me by being verbally abusive to my mom.
How does that physical pain get translated and looped and rewired into sexual pleasure? I know that's what happened, and I know the psychological and physiological explanations for it... but it doesn't make it easier to accept. I don't have the desire to be slapped on my thighs like I was when I was a girl, but I always have the punishment spanking fantasy... which is basically the same exact scenario, except with a man and on my ass. Guess it makes sense... Erogenous zone and male figure.
I think I am still pretty baked from last night, but if I don't write this all down now, I won't want to later, and it'll all go back into the vault that is my mind. I need to let this all out.