Girlfriend/boyfriend

I'm not sure that I will ever be a normal lover.
I know that I am submissive, I enjoy spankings, and someday I would like to do some pretty dirty things in the bedroom. But none of these things is all encompassing of a real and full relationship.

I can't stand intimacy like that with a male. I can be best friends with girls... all my best friends have always been girls. But I don't get along with guys. I don't fight with them. I just don't speak to them. I don't want to say that I'm afraid of them... it's more like I don't know what to say to them. Everyone tells me to just act like I act with girls, just talk about random stuff.

But I can't.

I don't like when guys flirt with me because it makes me feel disgusting. Not because they are acting disgusting or disrespectful... but I get a feeling in my stomach that just feels terrible.

This is why I like going clubbing. Because I can let loose and be a complete slut, and there are no repercussions or judgments for it, and no one has to fucking talk. Let's be honest, club dancing is just dry sex, dry humping, and you are just a faceless, sweaty body in the crowd.

But that has gotten me into trouble before. One of the last times I went to a club in college, I was totally drunk, totally wild. I started dancing with this guy because he offered me a drink. Why the hell not, I thought. It's Thursday night, no one gives a shit, let's just play and call it a night. I danced with him, grinded on him, I think I even gave him a lap dance, I unbuckled his belt, I did everything to make him believe that he had "scored." Then when the night was over, he started whispering in my ear about something. He wanted to go home with me. I just laughed and said, no, sorry, I gotta go home with my friends. I'm the driver tonight. I have to go home. I have class tomorrow. He was getting pissed, and that was making me anxious. He said he had to go pay his bar tab, will I wait for him? I said, umm yeah sure. But I didn't. I just wanted to leave, so I grabbed my girl friend's hand and we ran across the street to sober up. I really was the driver and I had drunk too much. The cold air would help, I thought. We hung out for about 30 minutes and then started walking to my car. And that guy was there. So fucking pissed. He started yelling at me through the passenger's side, across my poor sophomore friend who was terrified and had no idea what to do. I told him, I'm sorry you got that impression from me, but I need to go home. He was so incredibly mad, I was scared he'd hurt my friend or damage my car.

"Don't FUCKING do that that people. Don't dance for drinks like that and LEAVE. Let me just tell you that I know girls who have gotten HURT for that kind of shit. I know people who would FUCK you up for something like what you just did. Don't ever fucking pull that kind of shit again."

He kept repeating this. And all I could say was, We have to go, we have to go.

Eventually, I drove away, my friend and I both sitting in silence, the night completely ruined.

I slut-shamed my own self. Was that my fault? Was I not to supposed to accept his drink and dancing if I wasn't going to go home with him? Did I push too far? And then this boiled over to rage. Am I a fucking PROSTITUTE? Because we had a good time at the bar, I am OBLIGATED to suck your cock? Just because you have blue balls, I'm supposed to feel SORRY for you?

Maybe it was unclassy of me. Maybe that's not how it works downtown. But I felt such an extreme mixture of guilt, anger, and disgust that I just wondered how I was ever going to be a normal person.
How can I have all these highly "slutty" desires, and yet be such a prude? I'm a complete cocktease, and I lead people on. I can see why that guy would think I was going to fuck him. Because I basically fucked him on the dance floor. That was an extreme case, but this is not the first time that sort of thing has happened.

And even if I met a nice guy who didn't expect all those things of me, I don't want to do anything "romantic" either. I can't stand the thought of someone kissing my mouth, or hugging me, or caressing me. It literally makes my stomach turn over. They aren't disgusting acts, I know this. But it disgusts me anyway.

Spanking is different... it's harsher. It's not a light touch (or at least it shouldn't be). And the idea of a spanking does turn me on... but I still can't... put it together in the context of romance or sex. Will there ever be a guy who could deal with that? You can spank me, but don't put your hands on me anywhere else. Don't touch me in public. Don't kiss me. Don't hug me. Don't cuddle with me. Just. Don't. Touch. Me.

This post doesn't have any chronology or order to it... Even I don't understand how all these things fit together. But the (bare) bottom line is that I either need to seek more therapy, or prepare for a life surrounded by the warmth of cats.

Faceless

I actually hope that T will never find and read this blog.

I was talking to another Dom/spanker online, and he told me that yes, he has lots of experience. Years, in fact. But there have been many times that he felt used as a person, as a spanker, because of the way that spankees treat him. I didn't understand.
"Spanking isn't a one-sided street. There should be gratification for both the spanker and the spankee. And I don't mean sexually. But as you know, the spankee does top from the bottom. So if she sits there and dictates everything, and then you never see her again, talk to her again, except when she wants another spanking, what does that make me? I've had years of experience, but I'm no paid professional. If I was being paid for this, feeling used wouldn't be an issue."

In some ways, I do understand what he's saying because I know for a fact that I am one of those girls.

Of course, I do talk with T online and we chat about a variety of things, not just spanking-related. But the truth is that I don't even remember his face. I don't think that I care to know what he looks like. In the simplest terms, I AM using him. He's a married man, and I know that there is no long-term relationship to be had between us. It's not that I don't want a long-term relationship, but it's not realistic to expect it.

Spanking has been so much of a fantasy thing for me that I'm having trouble understanding it as a reality right now. I want to be well-spanked, but I don't care to be emotionally involved with anyone.

I told T I don't really like to be touched, and he said he did notice that. And besides the fact that I don't like being touched by anyone, I especially don't want to be hugged and cuddled by someone who just spanked me. Because it is a truly intimate thing, yes, but I don't feel intimate with that person.

Real Punishment

I talked to T about making our next meeting a "real punishment," and of course, he wasn't opposed to it.
"What do you think you need to be punished about? You're definitely a lot sassier than I expected."
"I'm not sassy. I'm so sweet, what are you talking about?"

I told him that I have issues controlling my temper. This is not a lie. I don't think that I am perfect, but my biggest, worst flaw is my irritability, my temper, my inability to quell feelings of annoyance.
"Yeah, I can tell."
"What do you mean?"
"Even in your first spanking, when it started hurting for real, you raised your voice at me. You have a tone."
"Well, I didn't even know. If I did that, I didn't mean to."
"I know you didn't mean to. But I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end if you did mean to."

I tell him I don't direct it at people I don't know. I direct it at people I love, the people I'm closest to.
"And how do you think that makes them feel?"
"I'm sure they feel like shit. But I feel bad about it too."
"It sounds like you need to grow up and learn how to control your emotions."

That part drives a tiny sting into me. A sting of real annoyance.
"Don't tell me to grow up," I say. "I AM grown up. It's just this one thing."
"And if we were talking in person, you would be over my knee right now for snapping at me like that."
"Like what??"
"'Don't tell me to grow up'? You don't talk to me like that."
I soften him up with some light-hearted humor, but am secretly scared that he could detect that tinge of irritability so easily. And I'm glad we aren't talking in person.

I had told him about my new purchases and he said that for next time, he was going to make me regret ever wanting to be punished, ever snapping at anyone in my whole life. I made him tell me what he was going to do because otherwise I would be anxious every day until we met. He wouldn't tell me everything, but he did say he would take down my panties this time (I made him swear he wouldn't the first meeting), warm up with his hand a little, and alternate using the hairbrush and the bath brush.

"Believe me, you're not sitting down for a week."
"I already couldn't sit down for a week from the last time."
"Then you aren't going to be able to sit down for 2 weeks."

On one hand, I am thrilled and so excited. I can't say that my first spanking wasn't painful. There were  moments when I thought that I absolutely couldn't stand it, especially when he was using the hairbrush. But it was a good pain, a thrilling pain. So I'm excited to try something even more intense.

On the other, I'm actually genuinely scared. I've never been spanked with a bath brush before. I've tried a couple times on myself, and it definitely has a heavy sting, but I've never done more than a couple smacks in a row either. T is a nice guy and we joke around A LOT. I don't know if I'll be ready to handle a stern and strict T. He's much stronger than me, and I know I won't be able to twist my way out if it gets too bad. It's equally thrilling and terrifying. And I kind of love it.

Implement shopping

During my lunch break, I went shopping to see what selection of bathbrushes they had... I ended up buying a small rounded bamboo hairbrush, and a heavy wooden bathbrush. I was blushing the whole time. Why? No one (who isn't a spanko) would see anything strange about this! I was about to buy a wooden spoon also, and was starting to venture into the men's belt section, but thought that might be pushing it lol.

Since T broke my other one, I thought this purchase was necessary! I'm noticing that hairbrushes with a square, paddle shape have a thudding quality to it, I guess because of the cushioned part of the bristles on the other side. The slightly smaller, but rounded hairbrush might be more stingy.

The bathbrush I bought on a whim. It's flat and heavy on the end, and circular in shape. It'll probably bruise me. Oh well.

20 Things About Me

This idea is taken from the lovely Bonnie-Jo, and motivated by my utter boredom at work:

1. I have an obsession with my hair... I crave shiny, healthy, perfect hair. I deep condition it. I put oils in it. I wash it rarely. It's very vain and high-maintenance, but I can't stop, especially since it's damaged right now. It makes me sick!
2. From elementary school until college, I have aspired to be the following things: professional ice-skater, writer, lawyer, model, actress, psychologist, nurse, porn star, criminal profiler, social worker, legal assistant, and housewife.
3. My favorite TV shows, not including childhood ones: "Weeds," "Dexter," "Law & Order: SVU," "Criminal Minds," "NCIS," and "Community."
4. That being said, I get extremely obsessed with characters and story lines in TV shows so I don't really like starting new series because that means I will invest way too much time in learning and obsessing over these new people.
5. My favorite fruits are apples, Fuji and Red Delicious, and peaches. I don't like most tropical fruits (like pineapple, mango), I don't like any type of melon. Berries are okay.
6. I get hot and bothered by anything related to crime and handsome men. Things like action or heist movies drive me crazy. And if anyone is wearing a suit during all this, oh my God.
7. Sasha Grey is my ultimate muse and inspiration. I think she is a wonderful human being.
8. I cannot go a single day without coffee. It's getting pretty bad.
9. I started smoking weed at around age 21, and I wish that I had started sooner.
10. I'm a total Pisces, and an INFJ. I think.
11. I love to laugh. I find a lot of things funny. My comedy preferences are far and wide, from Steve Carrell to Dave Chappelle.
12. I have seen every episode of Jackass and Viva La Bam, and have seen all the Jackass movies. I took it personally when Ryan Dunn died.
13. The school girl fantasy is my favorite, followed by the escort one
14. I have watched the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show on TV every year since I was 12 years old.
15. My favorite color is lavender.
16. I used to be able to rap all of "Look At Me Now" by Chris Brown, et al. It was my goal last summer to memorize it. I don't know if I still can do Busta Rhymes's part, but I can definitely do Lil Wayne and CB's. I don't know if this embarrassing or amazing.
17. Speaking of embarrassing, embarrassing celebrity crush: Rob Kardashian. Actually, I'm not ashamed.
18. I think Goyte sounds exactly like like Sting, but I like Sting better.
19. Sting can come spank me anytime
20. And speaking of Sting, I've watched, "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels" probably 100 times.