Hiatus

 

Putting an indefinite hiatus on blogging because I have very little free time to think for myself, let alone write... between working 12-14 hour shifts every day, trying to please a hardass boss, making new friends, trying my darndest not to flirt with coworkers, and drinking on weekends... my whole life is consumed by work, work, work (and alcohol.) Meanwhile, I am trying to stay positive and safe. Wish m luck, guys... I'm kind of stuck like this for another year!

And for the record, I do live in a town that looks just like the one in "The Walking Dead." No zombies though... not yet anyway.

 

Dangerous games

I'll be moving deeper south in a few days for a new job. I am not thrilled about it, but my best friend says it'll be cool, "like in 'True Blood.'" I've never seen that show but I have seen "The Walking Dead," and maybe I'll meet a Norman Reedus look-alike!

 

I'd like to attribute my lack of enthusiasm for spanking on stress but I think another big component is that I'm interested in a wider range of things right now. It's not that spanking is a simplistic act... it's just as complicated and psychological as other forms of S&M, but at the moment, it feels very mild. I thought that the cure for that was being hurt more, with more force, more pain, more everything. But that's not it either.

So I've been trying to imagine what a perfect scenario would be, what exactly it is that I want. Obviously, tastes will evolve, preferences will change... I know that physical pain and some element of fear and danger are the two things that turn me on. I don't like this localized sense of pain that spanking involves, the necessity of compliance. Yes, you can kick and struggle but ultimately, being spanked is a submissive act and it's wholly consensual.

It's not that I'm looking to do anything non-consensual, though. I don't know what I want. I don't like the set-up of scenarios in general... how it's "real" but also a game. It's supposed to be serious but it's also a form of play. How safewords and caution are always involved. But I know this is all illogical thinking also. If there weren't constraints and rules and consent, then all of this would be actual torture. But still... I can't help but want something more.

 

In other news, I've been planning the interior design for my new apartment these past couple of days and it is lots of (fun) work. I wish I owned more furniture though... I am secretly trying to make my living room look like the inside of a 1920s brothel because it'll be sexy, but my mom is absolutely opposed to red or dimmed lighting because she says it looks "whore-y." I know!! That's the point!!

I don't have any fear about living alone, although I hope that I won't be bored. There isn't much to do in that tiny little town, except maybe have sex and smoke meth.

Modern Family, violins, and Patrick Bateman

"He blew his lid... when she tried to contain him..."
-Phil talking about Claire's missing Tupperware lids

Now that I'm lacking my daily dose of "Mad Men," and I realize that I really don't like movies, I've started watching "Modern Family." It had a slightly slow start, but this is another one of those character-driven stories and I have definitely gotten to love the characters at this point (Season 2).

I LOVE Phil Dunphy... I want to marry someone like him. Even though he is such a dork. Though, it certainly doesn't hurt that he has very good hands...

I feel like I know what it is to be a teenager, and I know what I want when I am a little bit older and married. But I don't know what I want right now. So I try to watch shows or movies catered toward the 20-something crowd to see what is "normal," but I can never relate, and I always feel either extremely immature or overly cynical.

And at this point, I don't want to say that I am "over" S&M or spanking, but I am so far away from all that right now. It's not relevant in my life right now.

There's no rhyme or reason to this post.

I miss the days when I played violin and was part of an orchestra. That is probably the nerdiest slice of my past. I hated it way back when but now I miss it... but now I can't play very well. I miss obsessing over notes and watching the same Bruch video over and over. I miss the competition, the leadership, the intensity. Wow, that sounds so nerdy.

Sometimes when I'm feeling particularly stressed out or upset, I like to go online to look up murder videos. Just like what Patrick Bateman said: "What do you do?" "I'm into, well, murders an executions mostly." I like looking at pictures of accidents and murders and suicides and autopsies... well, maybe not like it so much as find them intriguing. I remember only a few years ago, back in high school, I wasn't able to stomach those types of photos. Now I watch them with a coffee in one hand and a muffin in the other.

It's like I am so far removed from the actual tragedy of it that I am almost close to laughing at them... it's so wrong and yet I can't stop. Maybe seeing these things kind of give me a sort of twisted wake-up call... like my life isn't too bad. My family hasn't been chopped up by the Mexican cartel. No one has raped me and put up the video online. I haven't been crushed between two racing cars. Life isn't as bad as that. I never watch videos like this when I'm happy and content.

I remember watching the Luka Magnotta video when it came out and feeling slightly sick about the way he handled the body, and thinking, that is the ugliest side of humanity, the darkest end of the spectrum, the most fucked up that people can become. My depression, my anxiety, my spoiled sense of being, that is nothing compared to how dark life can be. But after watching that, I didn't think to myself, I need to brush my shoulders off. I just thought about how disgusting and untrustworthy people are... so why even try?

Sometimes I am able to see the pure beauty in the world and feel hope for it... and then there is the ugliness that I've witnessed on film and photos, no back story necessary, and I want to give up entirely.

Black and white. Story of my life.

But I want to end on happy note.

Hey, Phil... I feel like I'm crazy and weird. Am I weird?

Thanks, Phil.

Reevaluation

I'm not really a movie person, but after finishing all 5 seasons of Mad Men, my brain has needed a constant fix of entertainment so I've watched about a million movies to keep myself occupied. Most recently, I've seen "American History X," "10 Things I Hate About You," and "The Italian Job." It kind of bothers me that I need to immerse myself in fantasy like this, like I don't have a "real" life or something.

I've been stressed out by a couple of major things these days, but mostly I'm annoyed with myself. I wish I was more of a go-getter and I could just plunge into whatever I felt like. Worry about the consequences later. But I'm cautious to a fault, and I know someday I'm going to regret being this way.

On the other hand, I know that the moment I move out of my house, I'm going to completely let loose. Like those extremely sheltered girls who go off to an out-of-state college and black out every other night... except I don't have college as an excuse. I feel like I've stifled so many emotions these past couple months during the summer that as soon as I am truly free, I won't be able to stop myself.

I've literally been Googling things like: "am I spoiled?" "am I narcissistic?" "do I have anger problems?"

I feel like who I am right now is not who I really am. Everything annoys and frustrates me. I feel angry and short-tempered all the time. If a few years ago I was deeply depressed... it's like I have displaced all of that into rage and constant annoyance. But that still trickles down into the final emotion of guilt, which in turn, lends itself into depression and anxiety again. This is not who I am.

This is probably why I am currently so turned off by spanking and BDSM in general these days. I don't feel like submitting to anyone. If anyone wanted to dominate over me, it would take pure physical aggression, not words. Right now, I hear everything as people talking at me, scolding me, nagging me. I don't want to hear it, I really don't. All I want to do is rebel, but I don't have the energy to deal with my parents. All I want to do is do some criminal things, but I resist because someday I'll probably have to get security clearance for my job. All I want to do is get away from myself.

Moments of weakness

I require a lot of time for mental and emotional recuperation. I'm the type of person that if I have to hang out with a large crowd or multiple people, it's great, yes, but afterwards, I need beaucoup amounts of time alone to normalize my brain again. And if I get pissed off or angry, I need even more time to myself.

This is one of the reasons that I question whether or not I can actually handle a DD relationship. I handle stress and anger very badly... I know this. I honestly don't know what "healthy" anger is. In stressful, trying times, or in moments of true rage or anger, I shut down completely, become glassy eyed, detached, and numb. Or, in spirit of my teenage habits, I will cuss a person out, throw and break things, and talk shit until I tire myself out. This happens rarely because I rarely have the time/space to do it. More often, I will contain it all until I can't handle it, and I will do something destructive against myself.

Anger, frustration, annoyance was never allowed in my household, at least not from me. If I ever got into an argument with my mom, it was never allowed to be an argument because anything I said would be considered "talking back" or being disrespectful. If I deigned to actually talk back, she would hit me. If I went to my room to throw something or scream into a pillow, she would come up the stairs and hit me again. As a preteen, I learned early on that it was better for me to keep my mouth shut and swallow my anger, rage, frustration whole and completely. Many times, starving myself, cutting, bruising, throwing up were ways to punish my mother without actually saying anything to her. I would think to myself, "you made me do this, this is your fault, you make me hurt myself, you're the one who did this."

I handle these negative emotions a lot better now obviously, but I still keep things bottled up. I never learned how to be angry in healthy ways. I get annoyed and hurt easily, and don't know how to express my feelings.

And now, as an adult living back at home, I not only feel suffocated by my family, but also immense resentment and guilt. I know I don't have a miserable life. I'm not abused. But I just can't breathe. I can tell they are getting tired of me, and I'm getting tired of them, and I don't want to be destructive towards myself again because of all this pent up anger. I need to go somewhere.

I can't be in a DD relationship because if my boyfriend or husband were to cut me off in a fight and tell me to bend over his lap, I wouldn't do it. It would absolutely enrage me. I would not do it. I know myself too well in the context of anger, and although I wish I wasn't the way I am, I can't unlearn this. I don't want to be controlled, I don't want to have to answer to anyone, I don't want to do anything that anyone tells me to do.

If I sound spoiled, I probably am... but I don't care right now, I don't care.

Si j'habite dans cette maison pour un plus d'ans, je mourrai. 
Je suis gâtée? Le seule remède est arrêter et quitter.