Sociopaths, Batman, and Dexter

I saw "The Dark Knight Rises" tonight. Needless to say, I am a huge fan and I won't even say how many times I've watched "The Dark Knight" because it's one of those things that's not "impressive," it's just plain embarrassing.

I prefer "The Dark Knight" because when I see a movie trying to depict true evil, I expect to be scared, and Heath Ledger's Joker definitely gave me chills. All I could focus on in this one was Bane's Sean Connery accent and his body... which were both distracting, to say the least.

I am fascinated by the concept of sociopathy in humans. Earlier today, before going to see the movie, I read part of a book called The Psychology of Dexter about the character Dexter Morgan, and his role as an organized serial killer, highly intelligent and methodical. The first essay asks how you think you would feel if you had to masquerade as a "human," when in fact, you don't recognize any emotion as true or real. Sociopaths experience shallow emotions, such as rage or jealousy, and that's why they can get pleasure out of criminal and destructive behaviors. The short-lived highs are exhilarating, but never last enough to create happiness or love.

What does it feel like to not experience guilt? What does it feel like to be truly cold?

Most sociopaths don't end up taking the serial killer path, but they function as "normal" people in the real world. He is "a social predator who charms, manipulates and ruthlessly plows their way through life...completely lacking in feelings for others, they selfishly take what they want and do as they please, violating social norms and expectations without the slightest sense of guilt or regret (Hare, 2003)."

I know people like this, and they disgust me. They aren't "cool" or interesting in the least... they are infuriatingly depthless and remorseless. The killers and criminals are the ones that interest me, and probably most other people as well because murder is such a human act, so up-close and personal, and yet the people who do it feel nothing.

I remember watching Ledger's Joker in awe like, how can a person act this way, how can they just not care? (I know this is a fictional character, but still.) He didn't care about innocence and guilt, like Dexter did. The Joker was a harbinger of chaos. Bane was carnal and allowed everyone play, even if it just means he'll kill them eventually, but he still knew what caring felt like.

Ted Bundy once said: "Guilt? It's this mechanism we use to control people. It's an illusion. It's a kind of social control mechanism- and it's very unhealthy. It does terrible things to our bodies. And there are much better ways to control our behavior than that rather extraordinary use of guilt."

I can imagine how a person might get to thinking that way. Extraordinary circumstances. Trauma. Bad childhoods. Most people use apathy as a shield though, as a defense mechanism. (Miranda Tate in "TDKR" says to Bruce Wayne: "You have a practiced apathy, Mr. Wayne. But a man doesn't spend half his fortune on a plan to save the world and isn't so wounded when it fails.") Even myself, I know that I have trained myself to become colder and more detached for emotional situations and horrific incidents. It's easy to laugh in the face of terror. It's easy to dismiss feelings and emotions. I do it all the time. But it's practiced, and definitely not how I really feel.

I remember reading an article about how people who act this way, the way that I do, are making the world worse, making society more hardened and aggressive, because they can never admit their true feelings, out of fear that they will succumb to them. And as a result, everyone else becomes wary of natural reactions, such as crying or feeling fear, disgust, or pain, because people (like us, like me) make a false mockery of it.

But too many bad things happen every day, all the time. If I invested my emotions in all of these murders, kidnappings, affairs, divorces, wars, plagues, suicides, everything, I'd have maybe 3 minutes out of a day to feel any happiness. I've always been a black-and-white person, all or nothing. I'd rather pretend to be a cold-hearted bitch than to be vulnerable to attack, ridicule, or pity.

Which is why it took so long for me to allow myself to cry. Because it's such a powerful gesture of weakness, of pain and sorrow, and vulnerability. I'm attracted to sociopathic people because they are what I wish I could be sometimes. If only I didn't feel guilt or empathy, I could do so many things, and I could be fearless.

Mob mentality, Hwayoung, and Competition

I try not to follow Korean celebrity news because it makes me feel like a 13 year old girl, but this news about T-ara and Hwayoung is just too juicy and delicious to resist.

I have first-hand experience dealing with catty Korean females, and it almost irks me to see all the international fans rallying around this controversy because it's so convoluted and difficult to explain, especially if you don't fully understand Korean culture. Why didn't she fight back? Because you just don't. What does age have to do with it? Everything. Who cares about seniority? Everyone.

Mob mentality is addictive, and it makes you feel completely alone, even when you are surrounded.
My therapist last year told me that it's common for girls to fall into it and never escape, even into adulthood. It's alienating and cruel, and yet highly protective within the ranks. Ever since middle school, I've thought that I had rid myself of these behaviors, and yet it happened again in college.

I'm not a competitive person at all. I used to be a perfectionist, but only for myself. It was never about other people. But when I was in a clique in college, I could feel myself always guarding against others, cutting them down, and trying to be "better." My breaking point only came when I got tired of the sexual competition... because that was one aspect I couldn't be a part of.

In any case, when bullying is involved, the clique will disband. I don't know how Hwayoung lasted as long as she did if all the allegations are true... she certainly had it worse than I did.

The pressure to please, to look good, to drink, to flirt, to suck up, to be sexy but not slutty, cute but not annoying, to be smart but not arrogant, to be innocent but not inexperienced, to be pretty but not fake... I thought about going on rampages every day.

"존댓말 안 써?"

"듣기 싫으니까 입닥쳐."

"아잉~ 언니가 최고죠!"

"오빠가 흑기사 해주세요!"

"저 씨발년 뭐래?"

"언니들! 잘 주무셨죠!"

"그렇게 싫다면 네가 나가."

"싸게 굴지마."

"걸레는 걸레들 끼리..."

I hated them so much. But I didn't immediately remove myself from them because I knew I still had power inside the group. And when I did leave, it was a breath of fresh air... with a tinge of "Why couldn't I tough it out?" Why are those girls able to withstand the pressure, but I wasn't?

In sticking with the spanking theme of this blog, I'd say that each and every one of these egotistical little girls deserve to take a group caning until they break, but honestly, they'd make that a competition within themselves as well. Physical violence is becoming the norm.

As for me, I don't want to be end up being a gossiping housewife, or cutting my coworkers down just to get to the top. I don't want to be a bully or a ringleader. But I feel those impulses inside me because it's all I've known of females and female relationships. In particular, I want to get along with Korean girls better... but all of these experiences have made terrible impressions on me. Bad bruises.

Protect me, rescue me

Season 4 of Mad Men has been so addicting, I can't help but watch 3 or 4 episodes at a time. It really is a character-driven show and I wonder why they all seem more real than the people I actually know.

My favorite episodes thus far have been "The Suitcase" and "The Beautiful Girls" because both showcase Don's fatherly side, his almost reluctant sense of authority and protection of the girls in his life.

I've posted about this before but my whole life, I feel like I've been looking for a father figure. I didn't grow up without a father, but it doesn't mean that he was ever really there for me emotionally. I've desired strict father-figures, the kind who would send you back inside to change because my skirt was too short, the kind who would threaten violence on me for talking back, for worrying him, for doing bad things, for skipping school, for neglecting my work, for breaking the rules. I've needed this person. I crave this person so badly that sometimes I don't even know if I even desire a human person, or if I want the inner core of a ghost, the essence of a caricature. It's not a sexual person, for sure. He sees me as a daughter, a small child needing protection and boundaries and rules.
Spanking falls into this fantasy, of course, but at the same time, it's something totally different.

Who, outside of family, would ever feel that fierce sense of protection towards me? Who would ever want to work that hard to protect me? Who would ever have these feelings about me without leaving me once it became too much to handle?

In many ways, I know this makes me incredibly selfish. I know it. I want all the attention, all the love and protection, completely unconditionally, and yet I don't know what I'd be able to do in return, if I'd even want to do anything in return. I've grown up with an extremely high level of attention from my mother. I didn't really realize this until recently, how self-centered I am. It's a symptom of bulimia. Anything can be romanticized if you make it.

And it never goes away. I've always desired this, always, and now as an adult, I see how it can't be like this because I will never get what I want. But still, I feel that twinge of jealousy when I see TV shows or movies that have that father-daughter theme... of women behaving badly and men who always have a nagging sense of responsibility and duty to protect.

Summertime

For the first time in my life, I shaved completely down there. My friend recommended the Noxzema 3-pack, and they were so amazing. For most of my post-adolescent life (and even some of my adolescent life) I've been terrified of shaving down there because I just knew I would nick my clitoris somehow and just die. But finally I've done it, and it looks and feel so amazing. I don't think I'll ever go 70s anymore.

Stoya said that every woman should knows what she looks like down there and love herself for it. I feel like if I've done nothing this summer, I have definitely explored my sexuality.

My ass has taken 2 spankings, and 2 different sized butt plugs. I've touched and played with myself. I've done everything I've wanted to do except for actual sex and actual dating.

I'm not ready for the intimacy that comes with it. I'm very concerned with the idea of possession these days. I'm reading a lot about serial killers. Drinking way too much coffee. Not doing enough yoga. This has been the laziest summer of my whole life.

Name game

If I were a stripper, what would my name be?
Supposedly, it's pet name+street you grew up on, but I've never owned a pet before and the street I grew up on sounds like a finance company, so I guess I can't be a stripper. Oh well.


Updates about the men in my life:
T, I still chat with occasionally but I don't like the way he pressures me to get naked every time. 
C, I don't chat with anymore because we just mutually drifted apart. Most likely because he also pressured me to get naked and have sex and I said no.
J, I talk to every day. And I really like him. 


So it's really just J. I think from the beginning, I knew it would be J, but still I was hesitant.
We had a talk about trust last night, and the resounding theme of the conversation: "Put your money where your mouth is."
Do I want a top who is nice and safe and easy? Or do I want someone who will be strict and push me? Of course I want a top who will push me. But it's so hard for me to just trust him and say yes and follow him. Because honestly, what if it all just goes to shit?

I have toughened myself up a lot. If it does go to shit, I won't have a meltdown or cry or pretend to care. But that's only because I have begun to brick up a wall. It's about knee-high right now. He says that if he really didn't care, if he just wanted to see some naked girl getting spanked, he wouldn't be talking to me right now. He could just go to spankingtube. And I know that. And still... I don't want to make any of this a big deal so that one day it will all fall to pieces. Because it would just be stupid.

I wish I wasn't so scared of sex and sexuality. I read what girls like Sasha and Stoya say and I love them so much for it. For being so positive and strong and independent and beautiful. And I agree with everything they say. And yet it's so hard for me... to just let go. I don't know what I have to do to be who I want to be.